Life's Little Pleasures (pushing the "other" button on a McDonald's drink lid, pulling the plastic off a new LCD screen, popping packing bubbles, etc.)
People You Want to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse With and Why (Sevs - you could eat all the cheese you find, Matt - all his videogame training would make him ideal at the shotgun, etc.)
People You Would Like to Kill as Zombies (Jordan - his abs would no longer haunt your nightmares, James - he would finally stop saying "Goddamnit Chewbacca," etc.)
But my favorite one was the day when we decided to have a bracket of what animal would win a fight to the death. I remember the day well. I was sitting in the living room trying to finish my Radio Astronomy take-home final. Think about how boring that sounds, and then multiply it by the density of a Black Hole (see what I did there?) Yeah; it's THAT BORING. So I was most likely just watching whatever videogame Matt was playing that day. We start talking about who would win in a fight: a flying shark or a flying crocodile. We start getting really scientific about the environment they would fight in, body mass, stuff like that. Before I know it, all 6 of us are discussing which animals would win in fights. So we did what any group of guys who are avoiding studying for finals would do: we made a 16-animal bracket to determine who is the champion of all the animal kingdom. Pretty standard.
We had to lay down some ground rules first. It had to be a pound-for-pound battle with every fight. They had to fight in a neutral environment, so camouflage or whatever didn't matter. The 6 of us voted on a winner, and if the battle came out to be a tie, we would either wikipedia the animals and re-vote with newfound animal logic, or call Jizz Jizz to cast a tie-breaker vote. We all know that Jizz Jizz is the greatest and most potent human being to walk the face of the Earth, so we were ok with that rule. Our first animal battles were mostly fair fights, and pretty friggn awesome. We had battles like Tiger vs. Cheetah, Bald Eagle vs. Perigrin Falcon, Grizzly Bear vs. Polar Bear, Shark vs. Crocodile, Elephant vs. Hippo, etc. One of my favorites was when we had to find a contender for Arlen's favorite animal: the tortoise. We decided that 600 lbs of slugs would be a fair fight. Here's what I remember about some of the topics of discussion:
Polar Bears are about twice the size of Grizzly Bears, which I previously had not known, and their claws are like 8 feet long. Polar Bear wins for sure. Cheetahs can run fast, but only for about 10 seconds. The rest of the time Cheetahs are some little bitches. Tiger wins. Elephant ended up winning even though Hippos are pretty much the biggest assholes the world has ever seen. Tortoise ended up winning against 600 pounds of slugs. I don't think I believe that. I don't really remember the less important battles. But I DO remember having to call Jizz Jizz about one heated debate. We had a gorilla vs. Matt and Joe with baseball bats. I voted the gorilla winning because it is pure fucking muscle and doesn't give a shit about baseball bats. But I actually change my opinion 4 years later. If it is pound-for-pound, it isn't that big of a gorilla. Plus, with Matt and Joe, there are TWO people. So if the gorilla takes down one, the other can smash its brains in. Lastly, a baseball bat's range is drastically longer than a gorilla's arms. I think I voted incorrectly. But Jizz Jizz agreed, so I guess by definition, that is the truth.
The Elite 8 battles are where things start getting shitty. We thought of some pretty great match-ups for the Sweet 16, but we didn't consider how the next battles would go. We had a Tiger vs. a Tortoise, Shark vs. Gorilla, Eagle vs Elephant. It was all bullshit. None of those were good fights. We eventually made it down to the Final 4; Shark, Tiger, Elephant, Polar Bear, but we soon learned that we could no longer continue the debates. They were ridiculous battles that would never happen and absolutely depended on environment. A Great White Shark is definitely going to win any battle in the water and lose on land. We made the rule that they were fighting in space with no environment, but then not having gravity starting getting insane. Basically it went from an awesome idea in which we wasted about 4 hours we could have used to study for finals to a debate about how a Tiger would breath while orbiting the Earth fighting with a Shark. It was an unfortunate ending to the greatest bracket ever created. But oh man, if only there were some awesome combo of all of those Final 4 animals...
Street Sharks - most extreme animal ever conceived?
