A Subjective Ranking of States Based on a Veritable Lifetime of Research

I just got back from an incredible weekend in Vermont.  An army of friends went up to the New English state of mountains and forests to ski, drink beer, and chill out to the maximum possible levels.  Mission Accomplished.  The skiing conditions were superb and the area surrounding Stratton Mountain was beyond beautiful.  I don't remember it, but apparently I had described the scene as "having blue balls due to the immense Earth porn that I was witnessing."  And also there was a sauna.  I can't describe with words the feeling of going to a balls-sweatingly hot sauna and immediately running outside into the frigid, snow-covered environment, so I'll have to describe it in a feeling.  You know all those REALLY weird gum commercials?  Yeah, it's like all of those put together.  Great stuff.  On the drive back we played MapQuest, which is a fun way of lackadaisically traveling to your destination: each person in the car gets one location that they can choose for a stop along the way.  For example, we ended up going to a brew pub in Vermont, a disco bowling alley, a closed sculpture park, and a delicious pulled pork infested country store.  Quite an interesting way to end the weekend.

[Transition sentence].  Enjoying Vermont in all it's Vermonty glory got me to thinking about how people travel, or at least how I travel in particular.  I [we] tend to judge locations based on our only experience with the place, and it won't necessarily be a great representation of the experience as a whole (in fact, it is a horrible, horrible way to judge a place), but it at least gives you a sense of what that place can offer.  FOR NO REASON I decided to create a ranking system for U.S. states based on my previous experience.  Kind of unfair, because I've lived in some of them for several years, whereas I've merely driven through some in a few short hours.  But seeing as how I'm as close to omnipotence as one can get, I think it's safe to say that my rash and unfair opinions can be described as nothing short of pure truth.  Enjoy:

1.   California – I'll be the first to admit that this is a little unfair since California is the third biggest state in the country and has about every conceivable activity readily available.  I lived there for four months in the worst part of the state and still loved my life more than I realized I could.  It's got 8 national parks, some incredible cities, and the weather is just... it's not fair.  Yosemite, Death Valley, Sequoia, Joshua Tree, Muir Woods... are you kidding me?  Home to Mt. Whitney, the tallest mountain in the contiguous 48 states.  Route 1: perhaps the greatest road to drive on for non-hovercars.  San Diego, where the weather is never less than perfect every day of the year.  San Francisco is literally built out of the greatest particles in the Universe.  There are also In N' Out restaurants ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Half Dome is pretty great

2.   Pennsylvania – I’ve lived there my entire life while growing up.  If it is creating such a fine specimen of human being such as me, I don’t think I really need to explain any further.  But if I must, it is the home of Philadelphia (birthplace of freedom and home to the greatest sports team in the history of sports, the Eagles), and to a lesser extent Pittsburgh (I haven’t been, but I have to assume it’s not as bad as I’ve been trained to believe).  There are also rolling fields and forests and mountains to such a caliber that only a select, elite group of people can even wrap their brains around it’s uncontained awesomeness.  And Wawa.

Landscapes, man

3.   Massachusetts – contains Boston, which truly is an amazing city.  I don’t really think the rest of the state is anything impressive, but Boston more than pulls it’s weight here.  Cape Cod is also nice.

Boston, you're alright

4.   Utah – harbors 5 national parks, most of which have blown my mind on several occasions from sheer beauty.  Also, Mormons are legitimately nice people.  And out-of-context their religion is really entertaining.

The first time I saw this I was in awe to the point of forgetting to breathe

5.   Washington – Seattle is such a cool city, and Mt. Rainier is an impressive piece of mountain.  It also has Olympic National Park, which is a surprisingly large an eclectic park, as well as North Cascades National Park, which I’ve never been but it seems awesome.  Washington is seriously great.

Seattle, you are killing it right now

6.   Colorado – THE ROCKIES ARE INSANE.  I’ve only been there in the summer and it’s incredible.  Imagine it in the winter! (if you like to ski)  In addition to Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park, which is gorgeous, it has three other national parks and beautiful forests all over the state.  Plus Denver and Boulder are really fun cities.  Especially if you enjoy beer.  Which you should.

Now imagine this photograph except with a camera that DOESN'T suck

7.   Maine – If nothing more than the fact that this is where Kyle comes from, Maine is a fantastic and magical place.  Acadia National Park: you’re going to have fun, deal with it.  Katahdin: one of the best hikes I’ve ever done.  Portland is made from the magic from fairies and unicorns.  Maine has more breweries than residents.

Katahdin just looks like somebody photoshopped real life.

8.   New Hampshire – this state holds a dear place in my heart.  The White Mountains are just an impressive region of New England with great hiking and beautiful views.  Lake Winnipesaukee is a quaint-as-fuck lake that my family spent a lot of time at building memories and probably learning life lessons and stuff.

Mt. Washington being majestic as fuck

9.   Florida – imagine watching a space shuttle taking off from Cape Kennedy to LEAVE OUR PLANET from the nicest beach imaginable.  I feel like that scenario is sufficient reason for this being a top 10 state, but if more is needed, then there’s also Disney World, Universal studios, alligators, the Everglades, and the Florida Keys.  I have literally not had a single bad memory experiencing any of those things.

I guess I don't have many photos of Florida, but hey, we caught a Barracuda!

10. New York – the Adirondacks are really impressive.  They contend with the White Mountains in beauty except they take up like 20 times the area.  And New York City is a fun place to visit.  I have a feeling living there would be a pain in the ass (or wallet), but I always have fun when I’m there.  There’s also Niagara Falls and Lake Champlain.  And who could discount SARATOGA.  BEST PLACE EVER AMIRITE?

Just a couple of Brooklyners heading into the big city

11. Vermont – Vermonters hate New Hampshirites and vice versa.  I find this hilarious, because physically it’s the same damn thing.  The Green Mountains are just as pretty, in a greener, more rolling-hills kind of way, while the White Mountains are more jagged and badass looking.  Vermont has Lake Champlain to compete with Winnipesaukee.  The climate is basically the same.  The only real difference is that New Hampshire has the state slogan “Live Free or Die,” and every resident absolutely LIVES that mentality.  And I love a state with that attitude.  You’ve got dudes with no shirts or helmets flying down a beautiful forest road on a motorcycle not giving a single fuck, and that is awesome.  Vermont needs to catch up.

Nah, I'm kidding.  Vermont is cool.

12. Illinois – Chicago is a great city.  Now it’s a great city with a dog named Beckett living in it.

Chicago has some futuristic views on mirrors

13. Oregon – Portland is a fun… WEIRD… place.  And there are microbreweries at every street corner.  And the entire state is covered in beautiful evergreens and there are wind turbines, really there’s not much to be unhappy about in Oregon.

Portland, OR summed up

14. New Mexico – New Mexico has a lot of great natural beauty.  It’s got that southwestern U.S. feel, but with seasons.  And Carlsbad Caverns will make you lose your mind.

That is from a while ago.  I forgot how awesome New Mexico was.

15. Wyoming – Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons.  More Earth porn than your brain is capable of dealing with in such a short amount of time.  Old Faithful and Grizzly Bears should be enough to secure this loft ranking.

One might say that these Tetons are... Grand?

16. Arizona – Phoenix is an ok city.  I really can’t complain about it.  And what’s that other thing?  Oh yeah: the Grand fucking Canyon.  Not to be trifled with.

hahahah wut

17. Rhode Island – if nothing else it’s got great seafood, and that goes a long way in my book.  Providence is a really cool city too.

18. Texas – Up-side: San Antonio is awesome.  Down-side: you might eat the spiciest burger in the world and almost die.

Remember it

19. Ohio - Jordan

20. Kentucky – this shouldn’t count, but I really like the Kentucky side of Cincinnati.  It’s the only place in Kentucky I’ve been to, and really should be considered as Cincinnati Jr., but state lines are state lines.  This place has a great beer hall and a surprisingly awesome aquarium, and that’s enough for me.

21. Louisiana – New Orleans, well, the French Quarter of New Orleans, is gorgeous.  I never strayed passed that area, and therefore didn’t experience anything besides the utter majesty of that area of the city, so my opinion might be a bit biased.  But come on: Bourbon Street.

It's not Disney World

22. Maryland – ended up on the unfortunate side of the Mason-Dixon line, but ignoring that fact, Maryland is somewhat similar to Pennsylvania.  And have you had Maryland Crabs?  No?  Stop what you’re doing right now and go eat one.  And Wawa.

23. Virginia – it’s not the deep south, but it’s not the north.  That’s not necessarily good or bad, but it’s something.  I had a good time in Virginia Beach and Shenandoah, so what the hey.  Solid middle-of-the-road state.

24. Georgia – at this point you’re definitely in the south.  People are friendly but talk slowly.  Savannah is pretty great, but I doubt it really do a good job representing the entire state.

Weird.  I don't remember it NOT raining while I was in Savannah

25. Nevada – Lake Tahoe is shared between CA and Nevada, and Lake Tahoe is gorgeous.  There’s an enormous space in the middle, and then Vegas in the south.  Vegas isn’t the greatest place in the world, but you’re going to have fun in Vegas.

So much light

26. Montana – Yellowstone sneaks into Montana.  This is the only part of Montana I’ve been to.  I enjoy Yellowstone.

27. Connecticut – um… there’s a cool lake that my friend’s grandparents live at.  Otherwise it’s just a long portion of the drive from Boston to Philly.

That cabin WAS pretty fun though...

28. North Carolina – Kitty Hawk and the Outer Banks should be enough to make this an appealing state.  I have, however, never met a North Carolinian with whom I’ve had an enjoyable, intelligent conversation.

Kitty Hawk is obviously an awesome place

29. Idaho – potatos.  And the world’s first nuclear power testing facility.  AND a historical lava flow region.  Not a bad place, but not really that much else going on.

Just having some fun on Lava rocks

30. South Carolina – not bad.  But the stifling humidity is more than enough of a reason for my first impression of South Carolina to be “are we in Florida yet?”

31. Missouri – St. Louis and Kansas City are cool places to visit, but I don’t know if I would want to live there.  Mostly because half the people who “live” there don’t actually own homes.

This would be such a cool city if it were, you know... safe

32. West Virginia – It’s close to Shenandoah, and Shenandoah is a pretty cool place.  That’s all I know about West Virginia other than the fact that they made a good decision to break off from actual Virginia when Virginia started making poor choices in the 1860’s.

33. Michigan – I drove from Ontario to Chicago, with a large portion of the drive being through Michigan.  The only thing of note in Michigan was that my car had the highest gas mileage that I have ever recorded.

34. Delaware – please.  Pennsylvania doesn’t need a sidekick.

35. Indiana – so I drove through Gary to get to Chicago.  Yeah… not so pumped about Gary.

36. Kansas – I drove across this state for 8 hours and nothing happened except that I got angry that nothing was happening.

The whole state

37. New Jersey – I’ll describe this state with an anecdote.  I once drove through Camden, past a highschool football field.  The football field had a chain-link fence down the 50 yard line.  And the surface of this field was entirely covered with garbage.  This is New Jersey.

38. Alabama – I drove through the bottom portion of Alabama.  And from those 45 minutes of driving I could tell that this would be the most amount of time I ever want to spend in that state.  At least Jersey has the shore, which isn’t SO bad…

39. Mississippi – even worse than Alabama.

The following states are unranked because I haven’t been there yet.  But I’ve got high hopes (except for Nebraska.  I’ve got no expectations): Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Iowa, Wisconsin, Minnesota, North Dakota, South Dakota, Alaska, Hawaii

Tanzania: Safari Time

After climbing Kilimanjaro, Korin and I had decided to indulge in five days of safari, because, hey, we're in friggn Africa.  Let's see some animals.  Once again, here are the words of past me in journal form.  Hope you enjoy!  (If you don't then you are a heartless monster).

One of the many Jumbos that I made friends with in Tanzania

Monday 12/17/2012
Well today was magical!  It started similar to the morning we started the climb: wake up, prepare our stuff, nom a bit (that porridge stuff really grew on me during the hike), and then wait for our Land Rover.  But then Benny, our safari guide, arrived in a "fashionable late" mentality that we would come to learn was pretty standard.  Great guy, super informative.  He certainly loves birds.
Side note: I'm not sure if it's his particular accent, or a Swahili-English language thing, but one thing I noticed was his treatment of the letter Y.  He would often drop it with words that require it: "Look at those donks!  They get very close to the road; they are craze."  He would also occasionally add a Y where one doesn't belong: "This park is one thousandy, three hundredy and eleveny square kilometers."  I loved it.
After a four hour drive and box lunch (MANGO JUICE), our safari adventure began in Lake Manyara National Park.  HOLY FUCK SO MANY ANIMALS.  Right at the visitor's center: friendly Blue Monkeys.

If you're looking for food that doesn't suck, you'll be sorely disappointed

Most of the park is a driving only area, where you drive through the forests and just kind of look at shit.  The Land Rover we have has a roof door where we can stand up and observe (taking scientific notes all the while but not really), which we did almost the entire ride.  First thing we saw were Baboons going through "mating procedures."  Nice.

Humans might be the only species in which consensus is a thing

Then some Impalas and JUMBOS.  Huge African Elephants marching around in front of us.  That was exactly what I was hoping I'd see when I came.

Tusks are a novelty when the only Elephants you've ever seen have been in zoos

But that wasn't all.  We saw all kinds of birds, Warthogs, a big herd of Giraffe, some Zebra, more Baboons and other black-faced monkeys, little Dik Dik (spelling? whatever, it's a little mini deer that just runs away IN ZIGZAGS), a huge lizard, and a Wildebeest from afar.

Evolution is weird sometimes

At one point we stopped at "Hippo Pond" and saw a huge Hippo and a bunch of seemingly annoying birds on it's back.

The best part wasn't the Hippo.  It was watching the people watching the Hippo.  One guy had a camera as big as his torso, I swear.  Camo colored.  He even had matching camo knee pads.  KNEE PADS.

And the whole park was really pretty - some interesting trees, including what I like to call a Dong Tree, because it has a bunch of dong-shaped legume things hanging from it.  AND we saw a big bull elephant excreting some liquid waste.  The mass flow of that urine was... disturbing.

my god

Best of all a huge bull Elephant came really close and stared at me for a while.  Best moment ever?  I love jumbos, holy crap.
Now we're at the hotel, which is pretty nice.  Up in the hills, surrounded by a bunch of villages in a really pretty area.  Time for some food soon.

Dinner was pretty decent: pumpkin bisque, buffet meal, and Tusker beer - the beer named after the Elephant that MURDERED THE COMPANY FOUNDER.  We then played a board game, designed for African children, with some other Americans who are a lot of fun.  Also, this hotel kicks ass.  I think I'm just really pumped up right now.

Now imagine this but with techno music

Tuesday 12/18/2012
I'm sitting in Serengeti National Park writing from my campsite.  It's more like a nice hotel room underneath a tent canvas.  Four-post beds, bathroom, shower area, a dining tent with a bar: it's kind of over the top.  The only thing is that we were warned to keep all our shoes in the tent at night or Hyenas would wreck our stuff.

If they arrive in puppy form then I'm ok with that

This might be the best campground ever.  I am currently sitting no more than a quarter mile away from an enormous African Cape Buffalo and two Giraffe.  This park is beautiful.  Just expansive plains that seem to go on forever.  What a day.
We had breakfast at the hotel.  Nothing out of the ordinary... except we had tiny chicken wings with the buffet.  I ate ten.  After this ambrosia-like meal, we drove over to the Ngorongoro Crater.  We only drove along the rim today, and will return on Thursday.  What an incredible view though.

There are tens of thousands of animals down there.  Just waiting to be looked at.

Then on to the Serengeti!
Serengeti means "infinite plains," or something similar.  And it is aptly named.  Sometimes you see some of the famous Flat-Topped Acasia trees, sometimes just grass.  For as far as your eyes can see in every direction.  So beautiful.  We drove by a plethora of Gnu (Wildebeest) and Zebra, because I believe they are migrating along the south of the park right now.  Also some Giraffe, Gazelles, other deer-ish animals too.  We passed by a couple of sleepy Hyena pups, a Green Mamba (super poisonous! sleep tight!), Baboons, a Warthog, and a huge herd of African Cape Buffalo, which are one of the "Big Five."  The Big Five are the five famous African animals that back in the day were the hardest animals to hunt on foot.  They include the African Elephant (saw a few more of them today), Cape Buffalo, Leopard (kind of saw one's ass lazing around in a tree), Rhino (hopefully will see one soon!), and Lion.  We saw three different Lion prides today. One from far off, another pride just sleeping by some water pretty damn near the road, and a bigger pride hanging out by a tree.  SO AMAZING.  They are bigger than you realize when they aren't behind a cage at the zoo.

This is for real

What did the father buffalo say to the kid buffalo when he left for buffalo school? "Bison." No but really these are actual Buffalo and not American Bison.

This is what the Serengeti looks like and it is awesome

Driving today was gorgeous.  It was just great standing out the top window enjoying the view.  And this campground is pretty damn ritzy.  I'm pumped.
At night, I heard the sounds of Hyenas barking all around our tent.  And at one point, the grunting of a huge animal grazing right in front of our door.  I couldn't see what it was, but it sounded like a Buffalo.  Because I'm pretty much an expert at these kinds of things now.  In the morning there was an enormous dookie pile just in front of the tent.

Wednesday 12/19/2012
We awoke to what appeared to be a 50 lb shit right in front of our tent.  Nice.  Breakfast was somehow not ruined, and after that it was off to explore more of the Serengeti!
Elephants never cease to be amazing.  Some Giraffe, Zebra, Warthogs, etc. as well.  The same asshole Leopard was hiding in the same damn tree.  Oh, and a shitload of Hippos hanging out in a pond.  AND we saw two Cheetahs hanging out on the plains.  Apparently they are incredibly rare to see.
We returned for lunch and played some non-two-person card games with our American friends, who are a lot of fun.  James, Rebecca, and Tom: thank you for adding some company.  We hang out with them whenever we're back at camp.  We should be starting up again soon for part 2 of our drive today.

Our second half of today's safari was fun in that we got to enjoy Africa out the top of a car, as per usual, but nothing really new to see besides a nice sunset.  We saw similar plains animals (a lot of Gazelles) and more Hippos and Storks, which are one of the more hideous specie of bird that I've seen.  At one point we got to assist another group who were stranded because one of their wheels "fell off," because that's a thing that happens.  WTF.  Anyway, we drove until sunset, which was gorgeous.  My favorite part was seeing Giraffes silhouetted with the Sun setting behind them.

Now it can be your favorite too

After dinner we just played cards and drank beer.  More beer than cards.  I went to urinate and a Hyena was just skulking around and I had to chase it off.  When I looked around with my headlamp, I saw a few more sets of eyes glowing back.  Not un-creepy.  They have these really weird calls that they make all night. Kind of cool.  Now I'm in my tent staring at two huge Buffalo outside the window.  Surreal.  So awesome.

Thursday 12/20/2012
It certainly doesn't feel like we're nearing Christmas; it went up to like 90 degrees today.
As usual, we started with a breakfast (the contents of which I was beginning to tire of) and were quickly back on our way to the park entrance to head to our next destination.  A few groups are staying for another day in the Serengeti.  It's really just more of the same.  And even though it's incredible and beautiful and I'll regret saying this later, but it gets a little hackneyed over and over.  Like we're inundated with it.
Before we left, we were accosted by a family in the middle of a six-day safari, hiking Kilimanjaro after.  They wanted every minute detail about the climb, which we were obliged to help as much as we could.  We told them that pee-bottles would REALLY come in handy to avoid middle-of-the-night-bathroom-runs.  They would be hiking on Christmas day.  At first I was like "oh cool!" until I thought about the fact that this meant the porters and guides would also be hiking on Christmas day, which is unfortunate.  But enough of the digression.
On our way out of the park, we passed a few more Lion prides, one of which was hanging out right next to the road, 20 ft from our car.  I had the urge to jump out and pet one, but managed to restrain myself.  We also passed by the migrating herd of Wildebeest and Zebra at the south end of the park: 1.8 million strong.  It was insane.  As far as you could see in every direction, just animals everywhere.  Tangled up with them were some Ostrich, Impalla, and a pack of Hyenas trying to catch a weak animal off guard.

They just keep going

These animals are 70% neck

Come on dude.  Early bird catches the worm.

It was only an hour drive from the Serengeti to the Ngorongoro Crater.  This time we followed the beautiful view all the way into the crater, which was a flat, grassy are devoid of trees where all of the animals mingled and partied together.  From afar, in the lake, you could see a crapload of Flamingos.  That is, if you don't trip over the Lion pride RIGHT in the MIDDLE of the road.  So cool.

To their credit, it is really freaking hot.  I would be lying down too.

Probably the closest to a wild Lion I'll ever be in my life.  Well, hopefully.

In the crater were Wildebeest, Buffalo, Elephants, Warthogs, Zebra, and a Cerval Cat, hanging out together.  We even saw another Cheetah, unsuccessfully scouting some food.  And FINALLY we saw a Rhino!  Well, two.  But one looked like a far away rock with a horn.  The other was most certainly a Rhino.  Our "Big Five" is complete.
After a day of probably the worst future sunburns ever, we made it back to Karatu, the town near our hotel near Lake Manyara.  We got some Tanzanian Shillings so we could obtain a few Christmas presents for family back in Moshi.
Also, on our way back from the crater, we passed by many Maasai.  The Maasai are a tribe in this area usually herding their goats or cattle to graze.  A lot of the children sit by the roads in hopes of flagging down tourists for money.
Dinner was awkward.  Korin and I were the only English speaking guests in the hotel, which is very out of the ordinary.  Everyone else was from Germany.  Everyone.  What the hell is going on?

Friday 12/21/2012
Our last day on safari.  Today was a drive to Tarangire National Park.  It would prove to be quite a hot day, adding to our already annoying sunburns.  The main attraction of this particular park (they have many of the same animals that we've seen already) is the Baobab Tree.  It has an enormous fatass trunk and gets smaller at the top.  Definitely a cool thing to see.

Some poachers would used hollowed out trees for their evil designs

The main awesomeness on today's agenda was an enormous herd of Elephants, over 90 Elephants (Korin actually counted).  So amazing.  Some were frolicking and playing and trumpeting and the occasional "intimate" moments.

Why is it that every non-human infant is so incredibly adorbs?

We were in the middle of an enormous herd.  It was just insane.

He eventually gave up

We also passed by another Lion, observing some Zebra.  But then it sat down, and were were all like "ugh." You know it's time to end the safari when you get jaded by LIONS.  Before heading back to Moshi, we had some lunch at the park, where a monkey stole Korin's banana.  Classic.  Now we are heading into the city (Moshi) with our American friends for some Indian food.

Well, that was an experience.  The shuttle to Moshi was late, as was our food, but it didn't matter because it was really good (and cheap).  We then found a "taxi" (a dude with a car) to take us back to the hotel after haggling over the equivalent of 70 cents.

Saturday 12/22/2012
Today was a day dedicated to exploring Moshi.  Our flight isn't until 9:30pm, so we had the day to travel into the town to get some gifts and explore.  It was kind of fun haggling with everyone, and I actually got some decent deals.  People are so funny when they haggle here.  They never say a price out loud, but rather show you the numbers on a calculator.  After saying "this is ridiculous" about three times, I end up paying about 1/5 to 1/4 the initial asking price.  At one point the guy is like "no you just don't understand, the Shilling  isn't worth as much as a dollar," to which Korin and I replied "no we understand how conversion rates work."  Fun stuff.
After a light rain storm, it was back to the hotel to pack up and get ready for out looooooooooong trip home.

Moshi: an interesting place

Just an Elephant enjoying Africa