How I'm Going to Die

Thanks to the Earth continuing its orbital period around the Sun, we are rapidly approaching the date in which I have lived for a quarter-century. There are still about three months left, but that's not going to stop me from spiraling into a depression/mid-life crisis. I say mid-life crisis because, given my insane personality and the spontaneous, adventurous, and downright dangerous choices I tend to make in life, I'm giving myself a 50 year lifespan. I'm being generous here. After all, I did JUMP OFF A FUCKING CLIFF for no reason. This brings me to my next thought: how can someone as awesome and invincible as me be killed?
Obviously I plan on dying in the manliest way possible. Something that, even when the most badass person around hears it, they'll be all like "whoa." However, I also have to keep in mind that it has to be somewhat realistic. Sure, I'd love for my demise to come about as a result of being hurled into a black hole, only to be torn asunder by the intense forces at the Event Horizon. But there's like a 99.999% chance I won't even get to go into space in my lifetime, let alone anywhere close to a black hole (although there's hope that the Large Hadron Collider could seriously mess somebody up; I'll keep my fingers crossed on that one). And you know what? I don't even know if that would kill me. Sure, I know that light can't even escape a black hole. But do you know what can? Me.
That's why I'm opting for something that, even if it doesn't kill me, it will still be as badass as though it DID. I am going to fight a bear.

I'm not afraid of you bitch

Fighting a grizzly bear with my bare hands (see what I did there) would be epic. However, due to the fact that a bear has the advantages of weight, strength, muscle mass, claws capable of mauling my face off, and teeth, while the only things I would have to work with are adrenaline, the capability of formulating a plan, memory, and opposable thumbs, I am going to cede myself the ability to use a knife with a 3" blade. I don't feel too bad about it, because that tiny blade isn't even big enough to get all the way through its fur AND skin. I will NOT be using a gun, because that is weaksauce. Anybody can kill something with a gun.

What is this, Amateur Hour? Get out of here with that gun bullshit.

The best part about this plan is that I might even survive this fight. HOW INSANE WOULD THAT BE?? Can you even imagine how jacked-up I would be on adrenaline? In fact, I think this is the only way I can truly prove my invincibility. Sure, my survival rate is 100%. Now. But we'll see how that holds up to a bear fight.

Potentially the Greatest Thesis Proposal Ever to be Written in All of History

This idea is so epic that I have to use a line immortalized by Jurassic Park: "Hold on to your butts."

I was thinking about topics for my upcoming thesis, most likely leaning towards wind energy generation. Obviously my topic would be infinity times better if I could include bacon in some way (like some Bacon-Matrix-Composite material), but it didn't look like it would pan out. Then Andrew and I had a very frank, illuminating discussion about a new type of energy that will change the world. Bacon-Energy.

No. Not poop. Let me explain.

Get out your wallets, because I'm going to need a lot of start-up capital to get this thing off the ground. Imagine hundreds of thousands of giant hamster wheels, hundreds of thousands of pigs, a little bit of food and a few generators and BAM --> Gigawatts of energy and delicious, delicious bacon.
The greatest part is, once the pigs have used up their energy potential, they can then be converted to delicious lean bacon! You get energy AND bacon! But that's not all.
You then take ~50% of the bacon you produce, and use it to feed the next generation of energy producing modules (pigs). Since cannibalism doesn't require your digestive system to break down the protein as much, the pigs build muscle way faster. This means MOAR ENERGY AND MOAR BACON!!! Plus, PETA will get SO cheezed-off! Win-Win-Win!

I think this will go down in history as the greatest mechanical engineering thesis to have ever been proposed by Man.

FYI, here is the a recap of the conversation that led us to this momentous discovery:
Andrew: what about bacon-power

me: like...like pooping?

Andrew: no no

you need to think bigger

me: diarrhea

Andrew: hundreds of thousands of pigs running in giant hamster wheels
when they're all worn out, you get bacon

and it's 90% lean too

me: my god

Andrew: indeed

me: that's just crazy enough to work

and hyper efficient too!

feed them ~50% of the bacon from the worn-out pigs

Andrew: i'm not sure peta would like it, but you could heat homes and feed people.

me: i know, it would be perfect AND PETA gets pissed off

win-win-win

Andrew: oh my goodness, you've stumbled upon the most efficient use of cannibalism in history

me: I KNOW

and the digestive systems won't have to break down the proteins as much, because they are already in the form that the pigs need

so these pigs just become SUPER MUSCLY

Andrew: omg super pigs

me: = more energy + MOAR BACON!!!

Andrew: MOAR BACON

me: it's an exponential loop

Andrew: no kidding

me: it probably plateaus after the pigs get insanely huge, but whatevs

we'll maximize energy production and bacon deliciocity at that point

Andrew: well

what do you start with

giant wheels

kinetic generators

a shitload of pigs

and some food

me: yeah, and after that it is just maintenance and butchers

Andrew: and you end with fertilizer to fertilize MORE FOOD for the pigs, you end up with electricity, you end up with BACON

i just don't see how this is a losing strategy

me: so, high start-up cost, but i predict you could make up that money within the first year in bacon/energy sales

Andrew: you could even put fins or sails on the wheels and create your close-minded "wind power"

me: i'm sick to my stomach just thinking about the prospects here

Andrew: yeah, this really could put a new face on the existing american industrial agriculture model

less evil, more delicious

me: i'm so happy just thinking about the shear number of people this idea could piss off

Andrew: energy corporations, small business farmers, oscar meyer, peta

lada gaga would probably like it though

me: that's fine