This one time I was at Sequoia National Park

Hey guys! Remember that time when I was all "you guys, I'm going to go live in California for a bit and I'll make a blag about all the stuff I do and it'll be sweeeeeet" and then I never actually wrote about anything I did while I was out there? Well guess what. I'm doing it. Right now. Because those few months are when Chris "I do ALL the things" Severino started a life of some serious adventures. This is my adventure in Sequoia National Park.

Weekend of Sept. 20, 2009

Sequoia National Park

(pictures here. IF YOU DARE)

I'm not actually sure I've even mentioned the living situation in CA, but basically me and Chris Hogan, a buddy of mine who went to Tufts and who I now work with, were sent to CA for 4 months for a field rep. assignment for work. We road tripped from Boston and were roommates during our stay in Hanford, CA, near the naval air station we were working at. It was a good deal, because we were both under the same mindset of "I'm in California. I'm going to do EVERYTHING THERE IS TO DO. Get out of my way, world." And we friggn did. Plus, the town we were living in was in the middle of NO WHERE, smelled like sulfur and cow shit (easily in the top ten worst smell combinations ever), and was an average of 103 degrees when we first arrived. But it's location was pretty centrally located in the state, so we could easily get anywhere in the state each weekend.

Becoming partially deaf from the jet engines is TOTALLY WORTH IT

After our first week of work, we were definitely ready to get out of that literal shit-hole. So Hogan, Jimmy (best friend from home who now lives in CA near San Francisco), and I decided to head over to Sequoia after work on Friday for some camping/hiking shenanigans. We got to the park after dark, so we quickly cooked some noms over a fire, pounded a few Tecates (the finest beer Mexico has to offer), and passed out.

The next morning, we got up, shoved some bagels in our faces, and started walking up mountains. Hard. It was actually pretty slow going at first, because this was our first time hiking over 7000 feet, and our circulatory system was NOT PREPARED for the thin air. Also, it was a fairly aggressive 14 mile hike up and over an 8000ish foot mountain. But we rocked it like a hurricane. And there were tons of cool views along the way.

FYI I didn't end up falling off that cliff

We ended up trailblazing down the opposite side of the mountain after the summit, which was fairly painful for the ole knees. But it was fun trying to scout out the best route down through all the gorges cut into the rocks. And are you kidding me? We're champions. We're not going to let blinding knee-pain slow us down! In fact, there were definitely moments where we triple-timed down the side of the mountain. This may have added to the severe leg irritation now that I think about it...

"My knee is going to explode." "Mine too. Let's run down the mountain."

We made it down the mountain and back to the trailhead before dark, which is good, because we did NOT think to bring flashlights. We then spent the next hour driving down the most intense switchbacks I've ever seen (people don't want to drive STRAIGHT DOWN a 3000 foot elevation change? what a bunch of babies) and devoured some baked beans and sausage cooked over the fire, and finished the rest of the sweet, sweet Tecate. Then we had a REAL treat. We decided to attend the campground "talk" or whatever it was, which ended up being the most insane stargazing session of my life. No joke. I have never seen so many stars, so bright, in my entire life. I'm a big fan of stargazing, and this was SO FRIGGN INTENSE. The only thing I had to compare it to were the tops of mountains- er... hills on the east coast. But there is so much light pollution in the east that it really doesn't compare. In the middle of CA there is no light pollution and you are higher, so there is less atmosphere for the light to travel through. It was mind blowing. I was looking at literally billions of stars and galaxies. We also saw a few really great shooting stars. Seriously, if you don't appreciate looking up and seeing stars like that, feel free to shoot yourself in the face.

The next morning we opted for some shorter hikes through the crazy Sequoia forest. Um, I'm not sure if you knew this, but Sequoias are the greatest. They are so effing big that you need to take a moment for your brain to calm down and say "eeeeeeeeeasy. This is still planet Earth. It's just a really big tree. Stop screaming and just settle down."

The most insane part is that this one wasn't even the biggest one we saw

After taking some time to clean up our "adrenaline vomit," we kept hiking through the forest of these monstrous trees. I collected an enormous, football-sized pinecone from one of these beasts (it was later used as an engagement gift for Michelle, and then hurled to the ground a few times). And then we saw a friggn BEAR. It was the first bear I had ever seen in the wild, and this is where I learned that I will probably end up fighting a bear one day: instead of that feeling of terror and caution that I assume most people get, the only thing going through my head was to run up to it. So I did. And I got pretty close before it saw me and ran off.

I forgot to lure it in with honey

I'll get him next time. But yeah, seeing one of the largest land predators was exciting. We did a bit more hiking after that, trees, mountains, blah blah blah, then went back to the apartment in Hanford. Great first weekend in California.

Epic Roadtrip Journal: 6/15/11 Yellowstone National Park

Today started off with clear skies, so FINALLY we were able to get up and go see sunrise. We headed over to Inspiration Point on the north rim of the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone (we learned our "east vs. west" lesson finally). It was a really awe inspiring sight. The colors and the canyon getting blasted with light make for a really breathtaking combo. Sunrises are great because all the n00bs don't have the energy to get up on time to go see them (a disease that I definitively do NOT suffer from), so we were the only people there. (I hate when people ruin my sunrise with their presence. THAT IS A MOMENT BETWIXT ME AND THE SUN, STEP OFF). Oh also, sunrises are just fucking beautiful.

Your argument is invalid

We then saw some more of the dawn rays hitting the canyon from Artist's Point on the south rim - still fucking amazing, as per usual. (This happened after we followed a lone bison cross the bridge from the north to the south rim. MY GOD THEY HAVE BIG FUCKING HEADS). I managed to stand out on some precarious ledges (standard), so that was fun. Not having a fear of heights is pretty great.

Even the slightest breeze would have knocked me off this cliff

Then we went back to our tundra-esque snowy campsite, broke down the wet tent, and bid that god-forsaken place fucking adieu.
On our way to our next location, we probably saw a bunch more animals, including about a billion buffalo. It's getting hard remembering how many we see at this point because there are so many. We did see a vast number of buffalo today: crossing the road, walking around some hot springs, taking dumps near our car - the usual. We definitely saw a crapload of baby bison, including one running to it's parents. So adorbs. I walked up to a few today. Dangerously close: probably. Dangerously awesome: definitely.
We did a small hike early on in the day near the Roosevelt Tower area. It was a bit more intense than the other hikes we've done. I feel bad that Nadkarni keeps sitting out at the lodges while we hike, but she's more than willing, so I guess it's ok. We passed by a really cool lake, a petrified tree, and a group of elk. I then took a piss with a grand mountainous view, and finished our hike as the weather persisted to stay perfect.
We then drove to Bridge Bay campground: our new home for the next two nights. The check-in was INFINITELY easier this time around: competent employees, no snow on the ground, an actual fire pit and place to set up our tent. AND a great view of Yellowstone Lake. It is, however, intensely windy. When we arrived back at our site later in the day, the tent was completely blown upside-down. Tents all over the campground were blown from hell and back - it was really funny.

The wind got a little crazy

After setting up the tent at our better, but windier campsite (seriously, we had to put boulders ontop of all the stakes so they wouldn't get ripped out of the ground), we headed up to see Mud Volcano: yet another location that makes you think you should be hanging out with dinosaurs. The entire place smelled like horrible, acrid sulfur. My clothes are going to smell like pure awful: sulfur, campfire smoke, B.O., and pine trees, by the end of this trip. But there were some really cool things: a place called "Dragon's Cave" - a cave with "smoke" pouring out and the sound of dragon breathing. I know it was steam and bubbling water inside a cave, but shit, I was like 40% sure there was an actual dragon in there. There was also a really cool bubbling mud area, the Mud Volcano, and some super sulfur-y stuff (smelled like absolute ass), and a lone buffalo walking through all of it.
At some point (we did so much that I've already mixed up the order of things we did) we had a leisurely lunch at the Lake Lodge. It was good to calm things down a bit and enjoy a decent meal. Bagels and hummus, PB+J on shitty bread, and granola bars were starting to get on my friggn nerves.
We then took a short, easy hike that Nads could join in on by the lake at Storm Point. There wasn't any elevation change, but it was a really great hike regardless because we passed through several different environments. We were by the lake, so a portion of it was a windy, sandy beach area. Then a bit of prairie, into a dry forest, then finished with a super-dense wet forest. It was beautiful will trillions of tall, thin evergreens everywhere except on the trail. However, we had to balance on fallen logs to avoid the muddy, sometimes water-filled trail (Alex's nightmare - he has NO balance).
The rest of the day, until now, we kind of took it easy. We re-supplied some of our food (let's be real - just the snacks). OH SHIT! Then we saw an enormous Grizzly bear at the side of the road. It kept crouching and digging things out of the ground (potentially Pikachus?). It was epic: it was a huge fucking bear. We stayed by the side of the road, where tons of other people gathered to watch. Throughout the rest of the evening, whenever we drove by the area, there were a lot of people stopped at the side of the road - the bear hung out in the area for a while, but stayed in the trees at that point. Total bear count for the trip so far: 3 Grizzlies and 7 black bears.

Grizzly bears are terrifyingly huge. When I fight one, I'm going to need ALL the adrenaline.

After the Grizzly bear escapade we spent some quality time at our campsite until now: fixing our overblown tent, cooking some burgers and grilled vegetables over a campfire, and laying out our clothes to dry/de-smell-ify them, etc. Our plan now is to head to the east side of the lake to see the Sun set over the western side. Then we might go for a moonlit stroll around the Steamboat Point area. It is going to be a full moon tonight, so we'll have plenty of light for a short hike. Hopefully the sky won't be overcast for ONCE and we can see some stars.
Aaaand I just sllipped in a big pile of mud. Awesome. Now all my warm clothing is sopping wet and dirty. Hopefully the Sun will be up long enough to start drying everything out (in retrospect: IT WASN'T). And I got a huge gash on my hand. So that's cool. This sunset better be FUCKING AMAZING. (Alex started laughing when he saw me fall, which was right of him to do, because I'm sure it looked hilarious. He later felt bad after he saw blood dripping from my hand. HA HA! I win due to the fact that Alex has a conscience!)
Ok, it was fucking amazing, crisis averted. We first drove by the lakeside where waves of SNOW were crashing against the beach, shooting ice pellets up onto the road. It was amazing. Then we got to Steamboat Point, which had a few thermal vents and an incredible view of the western mountains.

The superman pose is unstoppable

It was a bit cloudy, but we ended up seeing some spectacular colors as the Sun set. I was pretty blown away, and that is hard to pull off.

I don't know physics well enough to explain what's happening here. Actually I do, but I'm not going to.

On the way back, we passed the Grizzly Bear's roadside "territory" again; it turns out it is a mother with TWO CUBS. We could only see them from far away, but it is clear that they are insanely cute. I plan on being cautious when in that area from now on... pissing off a mother Grizzly might not be a great idea. jk I'm going to go in there with guns blazing.

Epic Roadtrip Journal: 6/13/11 Yellowstone National Park

We slept amidst enormous snowbanks, on pavement, in 32 degree weather. HEROIC.
Scott and I got up around 5am to see the sunrise, but to no avail. The clouds thwarted our plans yet again. But we drove around all the views of the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone. Fog blocked most of the good views, and when I say fog, I of course mean clouds, because we are over 8000 feet up. Still great views, and we'll be back when it's nicer out.
We hung out at Inspiration Point, Artist's Point, and then saw an amazing angle of the Lower Falls - it was insane. I ran out onto some dangerous ledges to see some amazing higher-up views, as I am wont to do. It was a great way to start the day.

What is wrong with me?

Now, almost as if my life were a comedy, I'm sitting at our picnic table, COMPLETELY surrounded by snow, eating a bagel dipped in cream cheese (fuck knives) and fruit snacks, writing in this journal. We stuck some beer in the snow wall for later tonight.
And now I just climbed on top of the 4 foot wall of snow to go pee. And knock over a dead tree. It was difficult to push it over in the snow, but I managed. I'm basically a lumberjack, but my only tools are my BARE HANDS.
Some thoughts I have of Yellowstone so far: everything smells like rotten eggs. There are so many sulfur-spewing geothermal areas that the sulfur just gets everywhere. I don't think I'll be eating eggs for a while (and I HAVEN'T yet). Another thing is that there are awesome wild animals all over the place. Bison, bears, elk, marmots. They are just ALL OVER. It is really cool. Also, there is only ONE radio station. And it's fairly shitty. The radio just seeks all the way back around to the one station. They had a "rasta-hour" or something. It sucked. So we've been sticking with the 2 CDs that I brought: it's getting... tiring. Lastly, the water at our campsite's bathroom is so cold that you need to dry your hands in the middle of washing them just to prevent them from going numb.
Anyway, after breakfast we went to the Tower Falls area. We saw our first black bear, up a hill, somewhat far away. It was really cool to watch though. We checked out the falls, which were impressive, but I liked Lower Falls better. We then took off most of our warm clothes, because the weather became really nice. This included stripping down to my boxers in a crowded parking lot and not giving a SHIT.
On our way to our next destination, Mammoth Hot Springs, we drove by two black bears, one of which was super close to the road. I managed to get up really close for pictures; at one point it walked up to me, eating grass, about 15 feet away. I opted not to fight it, because it wasn't very big, so I'll wait for a Grizzly. Also, it was adorbs.

Holy crap he's LOOKING RIGHT AT ME. Please don't eat me.

At Mammoth, we saw quite a few thermal hot springs which created really colorful pools with insane bacteria that can apparently survive in temperatures that would scald my face off. They were really cool looking - we basically walked along the boardwalk directly above one-billion degree water (slight exaggeration). I was particularly fond of Canary Spring ("particularly fold of?" What am I, 70?), because it looked like what I imagine bears fighting each other would look like: pure awesome.

Hot Springs are one to two trillion degrees. Give or take.

Holy shit, I completely forgot driving to Cascade Falls! We did so freaking much today! It was another waterfall, it was cool,we saw a bald eagle: pretty standard.
Anyway, after Mammoth Hot Springs, where we saw a giant rock that looked like a dick, and a huge growing rock formation that looked like Jumbo, Scott and I went for a short hike near Mammoth. We heard there was a fresh carcass there, so we were hoping to see some more bears (because 3 isn't enough?). I literally was hiking with my drawn pocket knife. Unfortunately, no bears, but we managed to see some spectacular views, a dead elk carcass, a cool river/walking bridge, and another bald eagle. We got really close to this one; it flew directly over our heads. I tried to chase it up to the branch it was perched on, but oh wait, they can fly, so it left.
Skipping ahead, it started to rain pretty hard when we were at Norris Geyser Basin, so we had to cut that part short a bit. I swear, I had to change my hot weather/cold weather/rainy clothes more times today than I usually have to in a month. We were too discouraged to try to build a fire in the rain, so we bought some quick food at the general store near our campsite and ate in the car. We also had the beer we had stored in the snow at our site.

Scott and I are STOKED! jk we're not that stoked because it is pouring out.

I continued to drink delicious beer in the HOT SHOWER that I took. Scott and I managed to cheers our shower beers above the barrier to our showers. The shower itself was stupendous. I should start bathing less so that I get that amazing feeling more often. For only $3.25, my soul was rejuvenated and my bones were warmed. AND my growing B.O./sulfur smell was eliminated (keepin it classy). We then finished the night with a long game of hearts (I don't want to talk about the outcome) in the tent, hiding from the rain. And now I'm pooped, so I shall sleep.

Epic Roadtrip Journal: 6/12/11 Grand Tetons/Yellowstone National Parks

Writing from Grand Tetons:
It rained all night, and it is still drizzling now, and my fingers are numb writing this, but who gives a fuck; I'm in one of the most beautiful places in the world (sweet attitude brah!). No stargazing, sunset, or sunrise due to cloud cover, but it honestly doesn't matter. I passed out right when I got in the tent last night. I barely made it into my sleeping bag.
This morning, I got up before everyone else and walked down to the lake (Jenny Lake, where we camped at). It was preposterously amazing, even with clouds covering the mountains. Shit's getting tranquil up in here. Then I saw another moose. Holy shit. I was, I kid you not, about 10 feet away from it. No exaggeration. I took some amazing pictures (including one of myself on a timer), stalked it a bit, and then went to have a bagel-y breakfast.

Am I doing it right?

Writing from Yellowstone:
After breakfast, Scott, Alex, and I went for a short hike around String Lake toward Paintbrush Canyon. It was a really pleasant hike made better by the fact that we didn't see another person the entire time. The mountains were covered by clouds, but the awesome pine trees and snow covered mountain slopes were still gorgeous. Stomping through virgin snow in the middle of June is probably one of the top things you can do in life. We got to a mini hill, where Scott suggested we trail blaze up the hillside. Alex then had the incredible idea to sled down on our asses. It was I who recommended we do it again. It was a blast, even if our asses got soaking wet. Then we ran/slid down the snowy slopes and made it back to camp pretty quickly.

Soaking wet pants are TOTALLY worth it

After breaking down the tent, we drove to the Colter Bay area for a quick, easy little hike by Jackson Lake. It was a nice way to say our goodbyes to the Grand Tetons. We then drove along the Rockefeller Parkway into Yellowstone. There was a crapload of snow and everything was beautiful. Yep, that's how I'd sum up the entire park so far. We crossed the Continental Divide (where water flow changes direction from one side of the continent to the other) like 3 times and drove the zig-zag mountainous road through a lot of the southern portion of the park. I probably had about 10 mini freakout sessions due to everything being so epic.
Our first main stop was Old Faithful, which is a geyser (no shit) that goes off every 90-130 minutes or something. Whatever, I'm not a stopwatch. Our timing was incredibly fortuitous, because it blew it's load RIGHT AS WE ARRIVED. Perfect timing. It was a really fantastic sight to behold: boiling water launched up about 130 feet. We then took a long walk around a lot of the other geysers, hot springs, and other geothermal sites. Oh wait, that's the ENTIRE PARK. Everywhere you drive there is sulfur-y, acrid, smelly steam coming off the ground, or some thermal vent or hot spring. It is unbelievable. Anyway, we saw about 20 geysers, including Beehive Geyser, which is WAY better than Old Faithful. The blast is actually taller and you can stand way closer. The nozzle is also smaller, so the water rockets out of the opening like it's on crack or something (I'm pretty sure that's not possible). It only goes off once or twice in a day, so we were super lucky to be there. Granted, my warm weather clothes got soaking wet with boiling sulfur-water (I took them off when it got warmer out, and when the geyser went off, it shifted directions and sprayed Nads, Scott, and Alex, who forgot that my shirts were right next to them in their insane panic to get away from the steam), but hopefully they will dry by tomorrow morning... (spoiler alert: they didn't.)

We also saw 6 or 7 buffalo RIGHT NEXT TO the walkway, so close that I could literally touch them if I wanted, and they didn't give a shit about ANYTHING. There were 3 tiny baby bison with them, and they were adorbs.
Scott and I ran to a lookout (literally ran) that overlooked the entire geothermal area, which was a really interesting perspective. We came down, saw a few more geysers (oh, at this point I'm apparently underwhelmed by the FANTASTIC MAJESTY THAT IS A GEOTHERMAL EVENT), saw Old Faithful go off again,and then saw the CUTEST black and brown puppy that I have ever seen in my entire life. Without superlative, that puppy was the best. So yeah - saw Old Faithful go off 3 times from different angles, saw a buffalo family, saw a shitload of geysers, saw the cutest puppy in the history of the Universe: great stop at Old Faithful Village.
We then drove to Canyon Village, where we are currently camping. We stopped at a few notable views, were amazed by the green awesome trees (LOOK AT ALL THE GWEEEEEN), and rocked out to Queen whilst driving some fun roads. But the best was having a HERD of buffalo cross the street all around our car. There were probably 60-70 bison. They stopped traffic for about 45 minutes, but it was absolutely worth it. I got great pictures and it was a quintessential Yellowstone adventure. Some of them were fucking enormous. I think my adrenaline was going nonstop (however, my adrenaline going nonstop is not an abnormal event).

We kept yelling at the buffalo from the car: "CROSS IN FRONT OF US, WE WANT TO LOOK AT YOU."

We then had to deal with some incompetent, over 60-year-old campground people at our campsite, but after an hour-long fiasco of changing our snow-covered site to a site where we could AT LEAST set up our tent on the pavement next to the road (there was also an unnecessary amount of highlighting on our site map by the campground guy who didn't know how to use a computer). (WOW. I really toned down the intense frustration here. Dealing with those people was seriously the worst. In fact, I literally just filled out a survey for customer satisfaction. I gave them the worst possible score in every category. WE COULDN'T EVEN FIND OUR FIREPIT in the 3 feet of snow that covered our campsite). It is a shitty location, but at least our tent isn't DIRECTLY on snow. There is seriously about 2-3 feet of snow everywhere; I think it might be a cold stay...

One benefit to having a wall of snow around our picnic table is that we have a place to keep the beer cold

We had noms at the Canyon Village Lodge, where I had some Wyoming beer and Bison ravioli. Pretty damn good. Now I'm lying on pavement in our tent, freezing cold, starting to smell, and super tired and dirty - it was a great day.
Some notable moments were when Nadkarns coined the term "Hagstag," a clever play on the twatter phrase hashtag. I rofl'd. Another is when we had just left our snow covered campsite for dinner. We had just finished eating and Alex goes "should we buy some more ice?" (Nadkarns needs ice for cooling her newly healing knee). I simply responded "shut up," assuming he was being a jackass talking about how COMPLETELY COVERED our campsite is with snow. He apparently had forgotten. I hadn't.

How I'm Going to Die

Thanks to the Earth continuing its orbital period around the Sun, we are rapidly approaching the date in which I have lived for a quarter-century. There are still about three months left, but that's not going to stop me from spiraling into a depression/mid-life crisis. I say mid-life crisis because, given my insane personality and the spontaneous, adventurous, and downright dangerous choices I tend to make in life, I'm giving myself a 50 year lifespan. I'm being generous here. After all, I did JUMP OFF A FUCKING CLIFF for no reason. This brings me to my next thought: how can someone as awesome and invincible as me be killed?
Obviously I plan on dying in the manliest way possible. Something that, even when the most badass person around hears it, they'll be all like "whoa." However, I also have to keep in mind that it has to be somewhat realistic. Sure, I'd love for my demise to come about as a result of being hurled into a black hole, only to be torn asunder by the intense forces at the Event Horizon. But there's like a 99.999% chance I won't even get to go into space in my lifetime, let alone anywhere close to a black hole (although there's hope that the Large Hadron Collider could seriously mess somebody up; I'll keep my fingers crossed on that one). And you know what? I don't even know if that would kill me. Sure, I know that light can't even escape a black hole. But do you know what can? Me.
That's why I'm opting for something that, even if it doesn't kill me, it will still be as badass as though it DID. I am going to fight a bear.

I'm not afraid of you bitch

Fighting a grizzly bear with my bare hands (see what I did there) would be epic. However, due to the fact that a bear has the advantages of weight, strength, muscle mass, claws capable of mauling my face off, and teeth, while the only things I would have to work with are adrenaline, the capability of formulating a plan, memory, and opposable thumbs, I am going to cede myself the ability to use a knife with a 3" blade. I don't feel too bad about it, because that tiny blade isn't even big enough to get all the way through its fur AND skin. I will NOT be using a gun, because that is weaksauce. Anybody can kill something with a gun.

What is this, Amateur Hour? Get out of here with that gun bullshit.

The best part about this plan is that I might even survive this fight. HOW INSANE WOULD THAT BE?? Can you even imagine how jacked-up I would be on adrenaline? In fact, I think this is the only way I can truly prove my invincibility. Sure, my survival rate is 100%. Now. But we'll see how that holds up to a bear fight.

Run-On Story: an Unfinished Epic Tale by some Extremely Talented Writers

A few months ago a few friends and I got a little creative, and over email correspondence, we took turns writing paragraphs of a run-on story. It gets a little ridiculous, and there are possibly a few plot holes, but you need to grow up and learn to deal with it. Literary genius doesn't come overnight. You are born with it. Like we are. If you get lost while reading this, it is because you are a foolish simpleton who may be partially illiterate. Not because we wrote nonsensical partial-stories while bored at work. To that point, you may want to disregard most of Cronin's posts. I'm sure that not even he knows what he's doing. The mere fact that he forms complete English words in somewhat structured sentences as a result of randomly pounding on a keyboard is entirely coincidental. In fact, if you notice, the post following one of Cronin's posts is almost completely an attempt to undo or fix Cronin's previous post. I hope you enjoy this epic journey brought to you by some excellent story-tellers.

Run-On Story

Authors: Chris Severino, Jordan Thomas, Kyle Thompson-Westra, Raquel Rios, Michael Cronin

Chris-

Jordan sat by the fireplace pondering the events that took place earlier that day. He took a pensive sip of whiskey from the snifter (full to the brim) he was holding. Jordan had committed murder. This was certainly not the first time, but it would be the last. Or so he thought. Jordan quickly downed the 18 oz of bourbon whiskey he was drinking. He placed his snifter back onto the side table and picked up his revolver. He loaded a single bullet into the chamber. He decided to end it all, because there was no way he could atone for his actions earlier that day. It wasn't just murder that he had committed. It was genocide. Vehicular genocide. Jordan had killed an entire race of people with his truck. This was something that he could not ever forget. He slowly brought the gun up to his mouth. But then, he heard a knock at the door.

Jordan-

Was it a knock? He was almost sure of it. He stood up from his oversized chair and put the empty whiskey bottle down on the side table. He walked over to the door and leaned his head against it, pressing his ear against the wood. Nothing. "Hmpf", he said to himself, "Must have been hearing things." As soon as he was about to turn around and walk back to his chair, two pounding knocks at the door sent waves of adrenaline through his body. Quickly, without thinking, he unlocked the deadbolt and threw the door open. Admiral Ackbar slowly looked up at him, a lone tear formed at the corner of his enormous left eye and fell down his cheek. “IT’S A TRAP!” he yelled. With a gasp, Jordan awoke in his bed, drenched in sweat, his heart pounding out of his chest. He sighed deeply. "Just a dream. Just another Admiral Ackbar dream," he said under his breath. Cocaine and heroin residue was caked all over the bed sheets, blood stains spotted the pillow and an Xbox 360 controller was shattered on the ground but somehow still blinking mindlessly. There was an aroma filling the room…an aroma he could not quite put his finger on. He couldn’t remember anything of the night before, except for the haunting Ackbar dream that was still so fresh in his mind. A feeling of danger crept into him and he knew he had to leave. And time was running out.

Raquel-

Jordan jumped out of bed and ripped off his clothes. He ran to the dresser and put on his favorite Fighting Arlens T-shirt and dark jeans. He threw his muddy sneakers and sweaty clothes onto the bed and wrapped the blood-stained sheets around them. He'd have to burn these before he hit the road. Jordan looked out the window and realized he slept through the day. The sun was setting in the distance, and snowflakes were beginning to set on his Tacoma pickup. He could see that his front bumper was slightly dented from his last kill. But as much as he tried, Jordan could not remember who his last victim was. What would my father think if he knew, he wondered. The last time Jordan saw his dad, they were watching the sun set behind the 18th hole in a Florida resort. "It's only a matter of hours before he finds out what a monster I am," he said under his breath. Jordan packed his few belongings and burned any evidence in a trash can outside. He threw his bags in the bed of the truck, and opened the car door. "Holy shit!" Jordan's heart raced. A fully naked corpse lay on the car seat, face down. Immediately, Jordan noticed the AA tattoo on the body's right butt cheek.

Chris-

"Oh no. Not again," Jordan thought to himself. He started to roll the body over, but already know whom it was. A loud thud was heard as Michael Cronin's body hit the Tacoma's passenger floorspace. The AIDS-laced throwing knife was still lodged in his gut. "WHAT IS GOING ON?! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" laughed Jordan. He violently kicked the body out of the truck, knowing full well that despite being unaware of how Cronin died, he knew that it had something to do with playing way too much video games and then complaining about having class the next day. Jordan wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of there, so he slammed his foot down on the accelerator. The truck immediately stalled. "I really need to start remembering that I own a manual," he thought to himself. Once in gear, Jordan started down the highway (conveniently located right next to his house), hitting well over 100 mph within a matter of seconds. He had no idea where he was going. What was left of the moon after the Great Kangaroo Wars of 2016 was now in full view. Jordan started drifting off into a drug-induced nap. What seemed like an eternity later (but probably wasn't), he was jolted awake when his truck hit an enormous bump. "Fuck this shit," he thought. He got out to look, and was surprised to find Admiral Ackbar, wheezing, under his engine block. Miraculously, the 2.5 ton truck traveling at 120 mph did absolutely no damage to his fish-like body. He already knew that Jordan had no idea what had happen over the past 36 hours. Without saying a word, he grabbed Jordan's face and prepared the Mind-Meld that would instantaneously be remembered.

Kyle-

And so it was, that as soon as the Mind-Meld started, Jordan instantaneously was able to remember the Mind-Meld starting. Memory works like that, Sevs. More importantly, however, Jordan was able to remember the details of his ill-fated joy ride from the day before. The annual meeting of the Irish-American Society, constituted by the entire Irish-American population of 36million, was supposed to be a time of dark beer and sunscreen, but Jordan would have none of that. Getting his truck past the fence was the hard part. Spending the next twelve hours mowing down the likes of Fox's Conan O'Brien was easy, especially with the help of his AIDS-laced throwing knives. Suddenly, the Mind-Meld was over. "No Ackbar! I already knew about my vehicular genocide, although thank you for more details! Show me more!" But Ackbar only stared back with his enormous fish-eyes, wheezing and smacking his lips. Jordan stared back for several minutes before deciding that this wasn't going anywhere. Standing up, shaking his head in disappointment, he got back into his truck and pulled away from Admiral Ackbar. That's when he heard a moan from the back seat.

Jordan-

The voice in the backseat was familiar to him, though he could not put a face on it just yet. He was afraid to turn around. A smell permeated the truck now, something Jordan hadn't smelled since he last lived in Boston many years ago. More specifically, he had not smelled this particular aroma since he last lived on the Powderhouse Rotary at Warner Street. His eyes closed. He knew who was with him now. Suddenly the voice in the back asked him/yelled at him, in what he could only assume to be some horribly tortured form of english mixed with possibly a long lost arabic-based language, "___ ____ ___ george bush ____ (something something) Iraq ____(something something) money?!!!!11". It was him. It was Powderhouse Mike. Jordan needed a friend now more than ever, especially since the tragic loss of his 'friend' JizzJizz, the well known but not so well liked barely-legal porn trader from New England. Finding Jizz in the South dormitory at Tufts University the victim of some new form of autoerotic asphyxiation was one of the more emotionally devastating moments of his life. But had gotten over it because, again, Jizz was not so well liked. But now, Jordan was faced with the decision regarding Powderhouse Mike. He turned and looked towards the backseat, searching the eyes of PHM for some clues as to what was really going on in that brain of his. He looked deeper. Could he deal with PHM on this journey, knowing full well what was to come next as they make the long drive to what was left of Philadelphia? Did he really think this could end well? Besides the one night years ago when Jizz and PHM made love in that sort of fountain thing in the middle of the rotary, Jordan was unaware of a time when PHM was truly able to co-exist with another human for more than a 2 minute walk halfway down College Ave. But something seemed different in PHM's eyes. And something compelled Jordan to keep him with him. Perhaps PHM would have a role to play in this journey yet. He had to decide. The sun was setting.

Chris-

Jordan pondered his situation as he zipped up his vest. He had never remembered southern Ohio to be so cold, even though it was January 26, but after global warming had finally been proven false, he wasn't sure of anything anymore. Jordan slammed his hands into his pockets, hard. Not realizing he had anything in them, he pulled out a curiously shaped electrical device. It was in the shape of a hardened dong, but had strange markings that looked either arabic or from another world. A strange, violent world. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!" Jordan whispered. As PHM started rambling on about some sort of angel or war, Jordan began pressing random buttons on the strange device, which he decided to call a Boner-Machine. Suddenly, PHM's random shouting was projected in clear English through the Boner-Machine. Our hero stared in disbelief as PHM told his story. "My name is Captain Alfred Zanthorp. I was the Earth's leading general in the skirmish with the Martian Crab-People. Hopefully the effects of the memory-relaxation injection I gave you are wearing off, but I'll try to bring you up to speed. You and I had to murder the Irish-American race because of their experiments with reanimation. Their CRAZY experiments. While you were wasting away in your drug-stupor, I learned that we were too late. The hateful Irish have already released their neurotoxin, the T-Cell virus, into the atmosphere. By now, most of your loved ones have turned into zombies." Jordan, was flabbergasted. He knew this day would come, but not yet. Not yet. PHM continued: "We must continue on our way to the ruins of Philadelphia. Word has it that there is a misfit band of renegades who have been preparing for this day and are holding onto a fort there. The leaders apparently traveled to find each other from the far reaches of Philly and D.C. After a night of passionate, confusing love, they forged a fighting alliance the likes of which no zombie has yet matched." His suspicions confirmed, Jordan knew what he had to do.

Jordan-

Jordan pulled out a gun and shot PHM in the back of the head as he turned and walked back towards the car, flicking the end of his cigarette into the trail of gasoline leading towards the pickup truck...

Cronin-

No, he didn't. But he thought long about it, as he followed PHM through the ruins of the old city. He thought back to the life that he had once lived, among the proud free people of his tribe. Settlers had driven his people from their land with their superior weaponry, and the desire for revenge burned deep within his soul. Before he knew it, the fires of Philadelphia loomed in the distance.

Chris-

As they drove closer to the smoldering rubble that was once Philadelphia, Jordan realized that he and PHM would have to continue on foot. The destroyed roads were covered in broken buildings and the bones of infants who were at one point patients at the local children's hospitals. The silence of the ruined city made PHM's labored breathing stand out even more. Entering a crater that had once been Independence Hall, Jordan fell to his knees, sure that the screaming and muttering of his lunatic companion would soon drive him mad. "If you don't shut up, I'm going to rape your face," ejaculated Jordan. The spit-filled scream that he assumed would be PHM's response was instead replaced by a far-off moan. Jordan was suddenly aware that PHM was nowhere to be seen. A trickle of sweat began to drench his hairy chest. With his senses heightened, Jordan was able to distinguish the sound of a skirmish nearby. He ran to look, but what he found made him want to throw up all over himself. A single zombie stooped over a limp body. PHM's blood-gargle faded to silence, and Jordan knew that he would soon be one of the undead. Unfortunately for our hero, Jordan's natural response to watching cannibalism was to violently void his bowels in the loudest possible way. The zombie, suddenly aware of Jordan's presence, began shuffling towards him. While Jordan had been a cheerleader for his high school's cross-country team, gradually picking up a few pointers on how to run while watching the athletes, he found that his legs would not move. The defecation covering his ass and legs was preventing him from escaping. Jordan was finally able to move, but immediately tripped over a massive pile of tissues. With the zombie bearing down on him and his legs all covered in feces, Jordan was sure he was doomed. Jordan entered the fetal position as the zombie made a final lunge towards its victim. Without warning, Jordan heard a gun blast, and the zombie's head was immediately vaporized into a cloud of blood spray and brain matter.

Jordan-

Jordan opened his eyes after hearing the blast and after feeling the moist zombie brain matter rain down upon him. The sun was setting in the distance and the glare made it difficult to see. He squinted into the setting sun as an object approached from the distance. As the object grew closer, Jordan knew exactly what, or rather who, it was. "Forget something?" the character growled. Suddenly the man threw something into his lap. Jordan picked up the bright orange hunters vest and smiled up at Bear, the infamous lumberjack/zombie murderer from rural Maine. Bear strung his large sniper rifle around his shoulders and reached inside his own plaid vest, pulling out a sawed-off shotgun and handing it to Jordan. "Happy NVD, asshole. You'll need this," he said. Jordan couldn't believe his eyes. He stood up and tried to brush off the zombie entrails from his clothes. He examined the shotgun in his hands, the cold steel riddled with zombie tooth marks. Bear walked past Jordan and put his right foot up on a rusty barrel, staring off into the sunset in the distance as he struck a match off the crotch of his jeans and lit an enormous pipe. "Why the fuck are you back here?" he growled, "don't you remember why you left?" "Permission to speak, Bear?" Jordan asked, as he knelt down to the ground and placed his forehead to the cement in submission. Bear looked back towards Jordan, took the pipe from his mouth, and spit on the ground in front of Jordan. "Some things will never change," he said under his breath. Just then, zombie PHM stood up from the ground, his eyes glowing red and blood covering his face. But what happened next made both Bear and Jordan shit their pants simultaneously...

Cronin-

The glowing beast spoke: "BEHOLD! I am the Ghost of Christmas Future, sent into the past to avert the end of the world! In my time, the world is ruled by a race of sentient squirrels that arose from the mutated ashes of New Vegas when the zombies started World War 8. These squirrels have subjugated mankind to the point that only breeding and embroidery is allowed. My creators were a pair of renegade scientists who (like all good scientists) have a working knowledge of engineering, biology, and theoretical physics. They sent me here to destroy the progenitor squirrel, the Allsquirrel who gave birth to the entire master race. You have two choices: you can help me in my mission, or be destroyed." Bear took a long drag from his pipe, and Jordan raised his shotgun.

Chris-

Jordan then slowly shifted his aim to Kyle. His friends fondly referred to him as "Bear" due to his genetic abnormality. While outwardly civil, Kyle had a deep, dark secret. A deep, dark, bear secret. Kyle was half bear. His mutations had become more pronounced through his mid-twenties, and at this stage in his development, he was truly a sight to behold. "Just what in the fuck do you think you're doing?" he growled. To his surprise, he uncontrollably moved towards Jordan, his massive bear-paws readying to maul the thick, purple handlebar mustache off of Jordan's face. "I...I can't move! I can't put the gun down!" Jordan stammered. At this point, Bear's snout was a foot from Jordan's face, snarling. "I can't stop either!" Instantly they both knew; PHM was controlling their minds. "He was already in a state of mental retardation before the zombification. The T-cell virus must have given him mind-control powers," Jordan announced, to no one in particular. This fact weighed heavily on Kyle's half-bear, half-human heart. He knew that both he and Jordan were about to die. His thick fur would not protect him from the shotgun blast Jordan was about to unload all over him. And Jordan would not survive the severe mauling he was about to endure. PHM, deep in concentration, didn't even see the samurai sword until it was too late. The thick steel swung down and decapitated the monster. Jordan and Bear, released from their trance, stood dumbfounded. Bear immediately took a long puff of his pipe. Out of the shadows walked an old friend. Emperor Chris Severino, with sword in hand, stood before them in all his glory. "I couldn't let you guys hog all the fun."

At this point, we all got distracted and didn't actually finish the story. The best part about this literary experiment is how the story changes so randomly from one post to another. If you'd like to add on to it with a post of your own, let me know or leave a comment or something. Let's see how insane we can get this thing.