Best Dispatching Job Ever

I got offered my dream job and I didn't even have to give the guy my Resume!  

Date: 3/25/14
To: Chris D.
From: Henry Martins Esq
Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hello,
    
Are you interested in working as a dispatcher. All you need to do is send out mails for me and you get paid at the end of each week. Get back to me if you are interested and ready to know more.

Regards.



Date: 3/25/14
To: Henry Martins Esq
From: Chris D.
Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hello Henry Martins,

I'm interested in your dispatcher position; how much does it pay?  Where would I be dispatching from, and where to?  What types of "mails" will I be dispatching?  Do I need to have dispatching experience?

Warmest regards,

Chris D.

Date: 3/25/14

To: Chris D.

From: Henry Martins Esq

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Here is what the position entails:

You will need to send out payments to my clients which might be in form of money orders or Checks and I will provide all you need to mail them out and you get paid at the end of the week. If you are still interested please get back to me ASAP with your phone number and yahoo messenger ID because the position needs to be filled immediately.

Regards.

Date: 3/25/14

To: Henry Martins Esq

From: Chris D.

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hi Mr. Henry,

I don't have yahoo messenger ID, is that what you use to do the dispatching?  How can I get it, is it difficult to dispatch with this?  How often will I be dispatching payments?  Two times a week?  Three times a week?  More times?  Please let me know ASAP so I know how to dispatch!

Warmer regards,

Chris D.

Date: 3/25/14

To: Chris D.

From: Henry Martins Esq

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

We only communicate via yahoo messenger. Just get a yahoo email account and download yahoo messenger.

You'll be dispatching by sending out mails from the post office, you'll do this as many times as you can depending on you.

Date: 3/26/14

To: Henry Martins Esq

From: Chris D.

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hello Mr. Henry,

I will get the yahoo account for dispatching.  Is there a specific dispatching yahoo messenger?  I'm not seeing it.  Is there a specific dispatching area of yahoo mail?

Which post office will most of the dispatching happen from; any particular post office?  I should have a lot of free time that I can dedicate to dispatching, depending on me.  I expect I will be able to dispatch the maximum number of dispatches.

Warm regards,

Chris D.

Date: 3/28/14

To: Henry Martins Esq

From: Chris D.

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hi Mr. Henry,

I just wanted to check back in regarding the dispatching.  I now have access to yahoo messenger.  But I didn't hear anything about my questions?  I still don't really know what the pay will be.  Like I said I should be able to maximize the number of dispatches since I have a lot of time to be able to dedicate to this.

Regards,

Chris D.

Date: 3/28/14

To: Chris D.

From: Henry Martins Esq

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

You get paid $2 for each envelope you mail out. Get a yahoo messenger ID  and what's you phonr number.

Let's get started.

Date: 3/28/14

To: Henry Martins Esq

From: Chris D.

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hi Mr. Henry,

You still haven't answered my questions about the post office dispatching?  Do I have to move to a city near you to effectively dispatch?  I don't know if I can do that; I have a pet turtle and I think the stress of moving to a new city would kill him.  If I can dispatch from my town here in New Brunswick then yes, $2 per envelope seems reasonable.  

Do I have to provide the envelopes?

Reg,

Chris D.

Date: 3/28/14

To: Chris D.

From: Henry Martins Esq

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Yes you can dispatch from wherever you are. The usps envelopes are free, you can pick them up at the post office or order them online.

The job is easy and you can do this from home.

Let me know when you get the yahoo messenger ID, and i can guide your step through it.

Regards.

Date: 3/28/14

To: Henry Martins Esq

From: Chris D.

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hello Dr. Martins,

This sounds great, thank you for selecting me for the job of dispatcher!  I will proceed to the post office right now to obtain my first dispatching envelopes.  When signing up for yahoo messenger ID, my electricity was knocked out when my roommate was messing with the fuses (he does that from time to time, I think he might be slightly autistic).  But it happened when I was confirming my dispatching yahoo ID, so I don't know if it fully went through.  Can you step me through it to check?

R.

Chris D.

Date: 3/31/14

To: Henry Martins Esq

From: Chris D.

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hi Dr. Martin,

I haven't heard from you in several days regarding the dispatching.  When will you be able to answer my questions about the yahoo dispatch messenger?

R.

Chris D.

Date: 3/31/14

To: Henry Martins Esq

From: Chris D.

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Dispatch.

Dispatch dispatch dispatch.

Dispatchest regards,

Chris Dispatch

Date: 4/1/14

To: Chris D.

From: Henry Martins Esq

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hello Chris,

I told you i don't want time wasters. You look like one ......email me your yahoo messenger and number or you stop replying to my email. Im not in search of time wasters.

Happy new month and make the best use of your time this Month.

Date: 4/1/14

To: Henry Martins Esq

From: Chris D.

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hello Mr. Henry,

I don't want to get off on the wrong foot; I am the farthest thing from a time waster!  I promise that I will take my dispatching duties incredibly seriously.  I apologize for my lack of experience with the yahoo dispatching messenger, but I believe it was setup correctly.  Will I need to have this service running all day?  I briefly mentioned my roommate's brain problem and power outages, but if I only need to use it a few times a day then we should be fine!

My yahoo dispatching messenger is ChrisTheDispatcher919@yahoo.com.  Please let me know where to meet for the first dispatch!

Regards,

Chris D.

Date: 4/1/14

To: Henry Martins Esq

From: Chris D.

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hello Mr. Martin,

I forgot to thank you for the helpful advice in your previous email.  I would like to also wish you a happy new month and that I hope we can get our dispatching business started correctly.  Were you able to read my yahoo dispatching client?  I'm not sure if the capitalization matters.  Quick question about the dispatches - will there be a different method of sending/receiving for Canadian post offices?

Regards,

Chris D.

Date: 4/2/14

To: Chris D.

From: Henry Martins Esq

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Got your email. I've added you on yahoo messenger.

Can we talk over the phone?

What is your phone number?

Date: 4/2/14

To: Henry Martins Esq

From: Chris D.

Subject: DISPATCHER NEEDED.

Hello Dr. Henry,

Of course we can discuss the dispatches over the phone!  My number is 525-784-9002. I'm available any time to talk about the art of dispatching, except from 6am - 7am. I am busy then. 

Regards,

Chris D.

Smoothie-a-Day Challenge: Week 2

Week 2 of this glorious smoothie-a-day challenge.  SO MANY DELICIOUS SMOOTHIES.  It's seriously- I just- Why haven't I thought to do this before?

Day 8
Name: Tropical Mystery Mix (there's no mystery, it's banana, pineapple, and kiwi.  Sorry for the confusion)
Difficulty: Cutting and scooping kiwis annoys me.  If you don't have that personality trait than this is pretty easy.
Rating: 4/10 I might be allergic to kiwis or something
Ingredients:
- 1 banana (I'm noticing that this makes for a good base in most smoothies
- 1 kiwi
- 1/4 cucumber (frozen, not sure if that matters though)
- 1/2ish cup of pineapple (and juice) from a can
- 1/2 cup apple cider
- 2 ice cubes

Notes:
Good flavor, but I get that weird scratchiness from the kiwi again.  Maybe I'm allergic.  Either way kiwis and I are not on the greatest terms right now.

Day 9
Name: Strawberry-Peach (hint: it has strawberries and peaches)
Difficulty: Moderate.  Unless you know how to open cans, then you're golden.
Rating: 9/10 this thing is monstrously delicious
Ingredients:
- 4/5 frozen strawberries
- about 1/2 peach.  I used canned peach, but that's what it looks like to me
- 1/4 cucumber (frozen, not sure if that matters though)
- 1 ice cube
- 1/2 cup milk
- 1 teaspoon honey

Notes:
This tastes phenomenal.  If you don't like canned fruit then go buy a fresh peach you pretentious hipster; I've got student loans and a videogame addiction that I need to feed.

Day 10
Name: Strawberry Pineapple (no clever name here, sorry guys)
Difficulty: Sentient Infant
Rating: 8/10
Ingredients:
- 3 frozen strawberries
- 1/2ish cup of cut pineapples (again, I used canned so deal with it)
- 1/2ish cup milk
- 1/2ish cup apple cider
- 6 oz strawberry yogurt

Notes:
This guy was a pretty standard, good smoothie.  It's like if you took all of the ingredients, blended them up, and then drank what came out.

Day 11
Name: Chocolate Banana Pineapple
Difficulty: If you have hands and taste buds, this should be just fine!
Rating: 7/10
Ingredients:
- 1 banana
- 1/2 cup cut pineapples (with some juice from can)
- 1/2 cup milk
- like 2 or 3 tbs vanilla yogurt
- 1 or 2 teaspoons of chocolate syrup
- 1 or 2 ice cubes

Notes:
Chocolate covered bananas are pretty decent, right?  Well imagine that in liquid form, but with the fun atmosphere of a pineapple getting involved.  It's good.

Day 12
Name: Peach - Pineapple - Grape
Difficulty: Fourth Grade Spelling Test
Rating: 6/10
Ingredients:
- about half a cup of grapes
- 1/2 cup pineapple pieces
- about half a peach (from a can if you really want to emulate this flavor)
- 1/2 cup apple cider
- 1/4ish cup milk
- 1/2ish cup vanilla yogurt

Notes:
The pineapple was a bit overpowering, but hey, if you like that kind of thing then you should be all set.

Day 13
Name: Peach and Berries (I like to think this refers to Princess Peach and the "berries" are like her personal Goombas or something stupid like that)
Difficulty: So easy when you already have an open can of peaches
Rating: 9/10
Ingredients:
- about 1/3 of a peach (it's hard to estimate, get off my back)
- 1/2ish cup of frozen mixed berries
- 3/4 cup milk
- 1/2ish cup of vanilla yogurt
- teaspoon of honey

Notes:
Peach was kind of drowned out by the plentiful berries but that's cool because those taste pretty rad.  Plentiful berries?  What?

Day 14
Name: Berries and Peanutbutter
Difficulty: Controlling the Fly-by-Wire Missile in Perfect Dark
Rating: 7/10
Ingredients:
- 1/2ish cup of frozen mixed berries (or mix your own if you're feeling audacious)
- 1 tablespoon of peanutbutter
- 1/2ish cup of vanilla yogurt
- 1/2ish cup of milk

Notes:
Maybe adding some more milk or some ice would help, this didn't make a lot of smoothie.  And if you know me, I require an enormous volume of smoothie to fill the void.

Catching Fire - A Sequel to a sub-mediocre movie

Remember a few years ago when I saw the Hunger Games?  Well last night I went to the opening night viewing of the fast-paced, thrilling sequel.  Catching Fire: a Hunger Games Story.  That's not the real title.  This movie is based on the second of three children's books, but it's about children killing each other (kind of like an American version of Battle Royale), so... you know... I obviously read them.  If you are completely unfamiliar with this entire series, well then I can't really help you.  Also: potential "spoilers" below but not really.

Let me just start by saying that I thought this movie was a lot better than the first one.  I was ok with exchanging currency to watch it.  With that said, there were a few things that were... "off-putting."

I walked out of the theater thinking this was a comedy, but I'm sure I remember reading the book and thinking it was supposed to be somewhat dramatic?  It must be because the serious parts had such an awkward tone: the acting was over-the-top and unbelievable, especially during these moments that were just not that important.  In the books, there's an internal thought process where Katniss is hyper-paranoid about everything and without those internal thoughts it just makes for super awkward reactions in the movie.  The acting is a lot better in this movie: certainly well above "wooden planks," or at the very least it's a very high quality wood.  But the result is that these moments are just laughable.  My favorite moment is when Katniss lazily moans "the gas is poison(!)"  I'm not convinced you give a shit, Katniss.

It also seems like "flow" is the absolute furthest thing from the director's mind when creating this movie.  It almost seems like he filmed a bunch of scenes from the book, hurled them into sequence (maybe not even the correct sequence?), and then stated "I have finished this movie."

Here's an example of what the storyboard must have been like:

- TITLE SCREEN (maybe if we have time)
- Open to a scene in the woods, Katniss is holding a bow.  She's apparently hunting.  Also she's sad cuz of Hunger Games
- Cut to her house.  It's a new house (we won't explain why for half an hour).  The president is there and he has an angry.
- Cut to Kissing scene with Peeta.
- Cut to people on a train
- Cut to now we're talking to some of the other districts because that's apparently what happens for no reason.  The Capitol is angry that people are mildly positive toward Katniss so they are executed.
- FADE through all the other districts.  This is a montage with emotions, but we won't know what those emotions are.  More people die (probably).
- Cut to everyone is back in District 12 but the Capitol is looting/burning a warehouse because of reasons.  We're going for the audience to be beyond confused as to what is happening.
- Cut to multiple people watching different TVs.  We won't explain it but this is actually a pivotal moment in the movie.  The president makes an off-hand mention that maybe some of the past tributes will be in the Hunger Games again but you can't really hear him.  All you know is that Katniss is screaming in the woods for what might be weeks.
- Cut to another train
- Cut to a horse.  Yeah why not throw in a random horse?  Oh now I know why it's because we have to introduce the guy with that super creepy smile and he's got sugar for the horse or something stupid.

"Do you want this sugar cube lol?"

- After an hour and 15 minutes, we'll finally start the Hunger Games
At this point the movie is pretty decent.

If, at any point during the first half of this movie, you have a thought other than "what the fuck is going on" then you have a special gift my friend, because the only thing my brain was capable of doing was silently screaming "WHAT" over and over.

Also there's a scene with Baboons in which Katniss easily pushes away an attacking male Baboon.  Yes, that's correct.  A 17 year old girl fights off a 300 lb alpha-male Baboon with razor sharp teeth in a scene that does not result in a Baboon ripping out a teenager's throat.  That's not how science works.

Smoothie-a-Day Challenge: Week 1

As most of you are aware, smoothies are one of the best food items ever.  If you weren't aware of that, now you are.  I usually make one after I go running or lift or whatever, mostly because they taste awesome, but also because they are "good for you?"  Mostly the taste.  I've gotten pretty decent at the ones I make, but I wanted to branch out a bit from the normal "mixed berry awesomefest" that I always make to try some new ones, throw in some new ingredients, get some veggies all up in here, etc.  END OF BACKSTORY.

Yeah, I'm going to make a different kind of smoothie every day for a month.

Day 1
Name: Strawberry-Vanilla, aka RAWberry Vanilla (super clever name)™
Difficulty: Mediocre Enthusiast
Rating: 10/10 - flavor kicks ass, deal with it
Ingredients:
- 6-7 frozen strawberries rawberries
- 1/2ish cup of milk (if you are using anything but whole milk then it's YOUR FUNERAL)
- 1/2ish cup of vanilla yogurt (get the greek stuff. it's "good for you?")
- 2 ice cubes (it's just frozen water, science is cool!)
- 1 teaspoon honey
- like half a teaspoon of vanilla extract

Notes:
It's like a strawberry punch in the face, with a smooth vanilla aftertaste that makes your tongue go like "whoa! oh ok no that was pretty nice."

Day 2
Name: Cucumber-Kale Concoction
Difficulty: Vegetable Rocket Science
Rating: 3/10 - not sweet enough
Ingredients:
- 3 kale leaves
- 1/3 of a cucumber
- 3 frozen strawberries
- 1/4ish cup of vanilla yogurt
- 1/4ish cup of milk
- 1/4ish cup of OJ
- 1 teaspoon honey (add more, it might make it a bit sweeter)
- 2 ice cubes

Notes:
Not entirely flavorful enough, or thick enough, for optimum results.  But thanks to the kale and cucumber it was super refreshing!  And probably had some vitamins or whatever.

Day 3
Name: Kiwi-Strawberry Fiesta
Difficulty: Kiwis are not easy
Rating: 7/10 - great taste, but the kiwi leaves a weird aftertaste thing
Ingredients:
- 5 frozen strawberries
- 1 banana
- 1 kiwi
- 1 tbs vanilla yogurt
- 1/4 cup of milk
- 1/4 cup of OJ

Notes:
Seriously it tasted super good, but for whatever reason the kiwi left like a scratchy residue/aftertaste and it was just weird.  Maybe it wasn't ripe yet?  Other than that this smoothie kicked ass.

Day 4
Name: Bluth Banana Stand
Difficulty: Actually pretty damn easy
Rating: 8/10
Ingredients:
- 1 banana
- 1 teaspoon peanutbutter (if you eat anything but chunky then what is wrong with you)
- 1 tablespoon chocolate sauce
- 1 cup of milk
- 1-2 ice cubes

Notes:
THIS TASTES LIKE A CHOCOLATEY PEANUTBUTTERY BANANA TREAT.  But I suppose you would assume as much given the ingredients... still thought it was really good.  Make sure not to give the recipe to GOB or Steve Holt.

Day 5
Name: Banana Berry Bonanza.  That's right.  "Bonanza."
Difficulty: Not even at all.  It's super easy.  Just make it.
Rating: 9/10 would make again
Ingredients:
- 1 banana
- 1 teaspoon honey
- 1/2ish cup of frozen mixed berries
- 1/2 cup of milk
- 3/4 cup vanilla yogurt

Notes:
This is pretty much my standard smoothie.  I dare you to dislike it.  DARE.  Actually don't, I don't need that kind of pressure.

Day 6
Name: Bananas-Ananas (see it's international because pineapple is a weird word)
Difficulty: Easy if you buy stuff in cans
Rating: 7/10
Ingredients:
- 1 banana
- 1/2 cup of pineapple pieces (and juice if it's canned)
- 3 ice cubes
- 1/2 cup apple cider

Notes:
It's honestly that simple.  And tastes like a combination of... bananas and pineapples.  This was expected.  I feel like it would have been even better if I put some alcohol in it and drank it on the beach.

Day 7
Name: Banana Bluebs
Difficulty: This little guy?  I wouldn't worry about this little guy.
Rating: 8/10
Ingredients:
- 1 banana
- 1/2ish cup frozen blueberries
- 1 cup apple cider
- 1 teaspoon honey
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Notes:
Not too shabby.  A lot like the berry/banana one.  But with only bluebs instead of a medley of berries.  I'm not going to write anymore, because this is pretty simple stuff.

Emails with a Font Specialist

This email wasn't even sent to me. It was sent to Katie. They don't even seem to notice that someone else is responding. Just goes to illustrate how these people don't care who they are scamming; they just want to steal money from anyone. This is why I thoroughly enjoy messing with them.


Oct. 18, 2013
Subject: My Letter To You
From: "Katie's Brother"
To: Katie

My letter to you

My letter to you
I'm sorry but happy to inform you about my success in getting the funds
transferred,under the co-operation of a new partner from India,though i
tried my best to involve you in the business,but God decided the whole
situation.Presently i'm in India for investment projects with my own share.
Meanwhile,i did not forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in
transferring the funds,despite that it failed us somehow.

Now contact my secretary.Her name is Mrs.Ngaidama
and E-mail address is; [email]
I have instructed her to send you the total sum of $800.000.00
(Eight Hundred Thousand US.Dollars Only)which i kept as a
compensation for all your past efforts and attempts to assist
me in this transaction.I appreciate your efforts at that time.
Get in touch with my secretary immediately.Do not forget to
let me know,when you receive it.At the moment,i am occupied
with the investment projects which i have at hand.

Finally,remember that i had left every necessary and strict
instructions to my secretary on your behalf,to receive the money.
Get in touch with Mrs.Ngaidama.She will send this amount to you,
without delay.
Regards,
Your brother


Oct. 18, 2013
Subject: Email about compensation
From: Christopher Brannigan
To: Susan Ngaidama

Hello Mrs. Ngaidama,

I was recently informed that you would be able to send me $800,000 (US currency) for compensation for all my past efforts. I am happy to inform you that I am capable of receiving those funds now. Please advise.

Your friend,
Christopher Brannigan

Oct. 18, 2013
Subject: Your DRAFT Payments No: 003005096834
From: Susan Ngaidama

To: Christopher Brannigan

                DEAR CLIENT

        Re:Your DRAFT Payments No:003005096834

   We are a Financial Intermediary Agent and
    Brokers 
   { FINANCIAL GLOBAL SERVICES} FGS

We have been directed by your client to remit a payments
of sum total USD. $800,000.00 eight hundred thousand united
states dollars ONLY which is cashable on demand.

The order is to effect this to you,on request and on due confirmation processes.We have been given specified order that no representative or agent should receive this payments on your behalf.We shall henceforth
send the payments to you once we have confirmed and once you have
also completed our terms of service and also provide us with relevant
information for our confirmation from our official records to enable us process and effect your payments before the expiration of it's cashable
date limit/duration.

1.) You are to scan and send to us your recent (2) passports sized
     photographs

2.) Your International Identification/Drivers Licence Operational

3)  Your full Contact Address-Residence and OR Office/Work.

4.) Any other specified Information/Particulars or medium where you
     will want to receive your money.

  

It is our duty to make sure that you receive your money safely and quickly as directed.This measures we have taken makes it faster safer and reliable for you to receive your money withing 3 days.Once we are in receipts of necessary pre-requisites from you as stated,we shall go ahead to effect your payments to you without any delay.

ALREADY THIS WEEK,WE ARE DISPATCHING FUNDS

TO BOLIVIA;PERU;SPAIN;ECUADOR;MEXICO;KENYA

AND THE REST.

We are following our operations proceedures to make sure that all our customer's worldwide are efficiently represented.Under these measures,
we are protected under the law and is legally held responsible and liable
for any breach of contractual agreements and or failure's incured in executing our services to our customer's worldwide.

                    SINCERELY,

         Mrs.Susan Ngaidama

    SECRETARY

Oct. 18, 2013
Subject: Email about compensation
From: Christopher Brannigan
To: Susan Ngaidama

Hi Mrs. Susan Ngaidama,

I'm traveling to Rivendell this week for work, so I'm on my blackberry right now.  Unfortunately, your email didn't load properly and came out as a series of angry-faced wingdings.  The only text I received was "SINCERELY, Mrs. Susan Ngaidama SECRETARY"

I assume the caps lock feature was a result of the same mobile error that resulted in a page of unhappy wingding symbols.  Please advise.

Your friend,

Christopher "Zap" Brannigan

Oct. 18, 2013
Subject: INFO/ Your DRAFT Payments No: 003005096834
From: Susan Ngaidama

To: Christopher Brannigan

[Exact same email as before]

Oct. 19, 2013
Subject: INFOS.
From: Susan Ngaidama

To: Christopher Brannigan

DEAR CLIENT

Re:Your DRAFT Payments No:
003005096834

CHECK YOUR EMAIL & GET BACK 

TO US QUICKLY,TO ENABLE US
PROCESS YOUR REQUEST OF
CHEQUE PAYMENTS.

SINCERELY,

Mrs.Susan Ngaidama
SECRETARY

Oct. 21, 2013
Subject: CHECK YOUR EMAIL
From: Susan Ngaidama

To: Christopher Brannigan

[Exact same email as before... I think this person is only communicating to me via subject line]

Oct. 21, 2013
Subject: CHECK YOUR EMAIL
From: Christopher Brannigan

To: Susan Ngaidama

Hello Mrs. Susan Ngaidama,

You seem to be using the same font and text size.  As I mentioned earlier, my phone cannot handle emails larger than the screen, so please change your font size so that we can communicate.  Judging by your email subject lines, it appears that this business is of a very urgent nature.  I would appreciate it if you would refrain from sending me nonsensical wingdings instead of instructions of how I can procure unparalleled wealth.

tl;dr PLEASE SEND ME AN EMAIL WITH SMALLER FONT SO THAT I MAY READ IT.

Thanks for your concern,

Christopher "Zap" Brannigan

Oct. 21, 2013
Subject: INFO/ Your DRAFT Payments No: 003005096834
From: Susan Ngaidama

To: Christopher Brannigan

[Same exact email as before, but all in size 12 Times New Roman text]

Oct. 21, 2013
Subject: Confirmation Needed
From: Susan Ngaidama

To: Christopher Brannigan

Dear Client;

Message has been re-sent.

Confirm to us if you did receive it.

Sincerely,
Mrs Ngaidama

Oct. 21, 2013
Subject: Confirmation Needed
From: Christopher Brannigan

To: Susan Ngaidama

Hello Mrs. Ngaidama,

This is a confirmation that I have, in fact, received this email.

Thank you for the confirmation email.  Please confirm that you receive this email confirming that I have received yours.

Thanks,

Christopher "Zap" Brannigan

Oct. 23, 2013
Subject: Confirmation Needed
From: Susan Ngaidama

To: Christopher Brannigan

Info Confirmed.

We wait for your infos.

Mrs.Ngaidama

Oct. 23, 2013
Subject: Send Details
From: Susan Ngaidama

To: Christopher Brannigan

DEAR CLIENT;

We are waiting for your respective Datas
to enable us process and send your Cheque
to you.

Once we receive your datas and on due confirmation,
we will go ahead to release your Cheque to your
Receiving Contsct Address with immediate effect.

Sincerely,
Mrs.Ngaidama

Oct. 23, 2013
Subject: Send Details
From: Zap Brannigan

To: Susan Ngaidama

Hello Mrs. Ngaidama,

Thank you for confirming my confirmation.  I will now unleash my respective Datas:

My name is Christopher Brannigan, but most friends call me Zap.  I believe that you and I are close enough that you may also call me Zap.  I was born in an opium den in eastern Tennessee, but after obtaining my law degree from Winterfell University I moved to Long Island, New York.  Here I excel in naval piracy law, and as such, I travel quite extensively (which means I am usually unreachable by means other than blackberry... not the fruit).  I fell in love with a Brazilian haberdasher, but alas, our romance was not meant to be.  So I live alone on a house boat, contemplating life and occasionally fishing for dolphin.

If it please, you may send my cheque/check to my house boat.

Thank you,

Zap Brannigan

Oct. 26, 2013
Subject: Send Details
From: Zap Brannigan

To: Susan Ngaidama

Hello Mrs. Ngaidama,

I haven't heard from you and I'm awaiting your instructions.  Please inform me when you will be sending the cheque/check.  The winds will pick up soon, so I'm not sure how long I can stay in one location.

Your friend,

Zap Brannigan

Oct. 23, 2013
Subject: Requirements: Your DRAFT Payments No. 003005096834
From: Susan Ngaidama

To: Christopher Brannigan

[Same exact email as before, with the goofy fonts and everything]

Oct. 28, 2013
Subject: Requirements: Your DRAFT Payments No. 003005096834
From: Zap Brannigan

To: Susan Ngaidama

Hello Mrs. Susan Ngaidama,

How was your weekend.  I hope that it was lovely.  I'm writing to remind you that, despite your eagerness to get our business up and running, you keep sending me emails with erroneous fonts and nonsensical emails.  It appears that you are insistent upon giving me information riddled with non-standard fonts and colors.  As you are by now aware (as a result of my constant reminders to you), that this does not translate correctly when I read it.  If you have something important to tell me, please send me an email with the following formatting:

Font: Times New Roman

Text Size: 12

Color: Black

Punctuation: Normal (and let's stay away from the semicolons unless the situation actually calls for them)

I appreciate you working with me on this.  Please let me know when you will be sending my check for $800,000.  You can send it to my houseboat.

Thanks,

Zap Brannigan

Random Montreal Excursion

On Thursday a few weekends ago, Michelle randomly suggested that we go to Montreal for the weekend, since she had some days off and I had a car.  I was like "sure, why not."  Ryan Stots is living there now, so it'd be a great visit.  So we quickly got some stuff together, drove up after work, and got to Ryan's apartment around 10pm on Friday.  Driving through northern Vermont is beautiful btw.  The loft Ryan is renting is pretty great and it was awesome of him to let us stay with him.  Our first order of business was to go over to Ryan's favorite schwarma place: Boustan.  So delicious.  Probably the best I've ever had.  The local schwarma chain, Amir, doesn't even come CLOSE.  Which is why we were booing it at the end of the night.
After NOT ENOUGH schwarma, we headed over to Hurley's, which is my favorite bar in Montreal.  Two floors of great folksy bands.  The band that always plays there was there yet again on my third visit, and they are awesome.  We proceeded to have plenty of drinks (this weekend would not be cheap) and met an American, Morgan, who hung out with us most of the night.  We were singing along and Irish dancing: it was amazing.  We got them to play Wagon Wheel and we danced for literally hours: when I was completely out of sweat.

A night at Hurley's has never gone wrong

 When the bar finally closed at 3:30am, we took a cab to go to a poutine restaurant near Ryan's apartment.  But midway through the drive the cab driver decided to take us to a different one, claiming it was better.  Fair enough.  It was really good though.  We walked back to Ryan's, playing a little street piano on the way as the Sun rose behind us.  Ryan and I then played guitar and sang until well into the morning before finally going to sleep with the Sun already in the sky.
Saturday morning was a warm one.  The three of us attempted to see Old City and the BioDome.  We certainly saw a bit of Old City in the intensifying heat, but Michelle and I could not find our way over to the BioDome, so we gave up and walked back to Ryan's.

Jumping is the only way to travel in Montreal

 Ryan in the meantime was busy trying to procure a suit and shoes that would fit me.  Our mission for the evening was to crash a wedding.
At breakfast, Ryan told us a story of how he and a friend had done it before with great success, so now the seed was planted: it was a Saturday in July.  We were all in, pending me finding a suit somehow.  There was a Chateau that always hosts weddings, and Ryan located the attire that fit... it was on.
Our plan for the Montreal Wedding Crash Adventure was for Ryan and I to be the Thompson-Westra brothers and Michelle was to be Ryan's date.  We were originally from Montreal, but I had been living in Boston and lost my French speaking abilities (that is a thing now).  So after a wonderful, vivid, purple sunset at the top of Mont Royal, we drove over to the hotel and went to the hotel bar to calm our nerves.  After some waffling, we finally located a big enough wedding party and dove right in.  And danced: it went well.  Until somebody said an announcement in French and Ryan informed me that it was time for dessert, and us with no seats.  So we took a little hiatus back to the hotel bar for Limoncello, and came right back.  We danced, got some drinks from the open bar, ate some wedding cake, and of course signed the guestbook.  Ryan's entry was "Keep on Truckin' - KTW."  It was a great time.

Playing the part of boyfriend/girlfriend although we never actually got to use that backstory

"We were specifically invited to this wedding"

 The language barrier made things a bit difficult, but we pulled it off.  We left and tried to enter another wedding, but it was just finishing up and there were like 20 people left in the room: we were promptly escorted out.  Still a successful night.
We arrived back into the city in time for some famous corn beef at Schwartz's and then visited a bar near Ryan's apartment.  He was getting a little sleepy though, so we called it quits for the evening.
Sunday morning included a casual brunch with some of Montreal's famous bagels.  We had many intellectual debates pertaining to the Astron Song.  We then checked out Tam Tams - a drum/instrument drum circle gathering near Mont Royal.  We brought Ryan's guitar and went to town on it.  It was phenomenal.

I was playing "Wagon Wheel" nonstop FYI

 Unfortunately we had to head back to Boston in the late afternoon; I wish we could have stayed longer.  It was definitely an amazing weekend.

Tennessee Road Trip Part 5: Bonnaroo to Boston

The grand finale (pretend there's one of those accent marks there ok thanks) to this extensive two-week road trip.  A bittersweet ending to a great adventure.

Mon. 6/17/13
The sounds of tent deconstruction woke us up early on Monday.  Which filled me with a nameless dread because we had to do the same.  Surprisingly, it wasn't as horrible as I initially assumed; within an hour we were all packed up and filling the car, which Scott had driven up to the tent-only area.  We said our tearful goodbyes to all the friends we had met and by 8:30 we were driving north toward Kentucky.
Five minutes after crossing the border into the eleventh state on our road trip, we stopped at a Waffle House for breakfast.  I ate more than humans are known to eat, including a crazy huge portion of hashbrowns.  Flushing toilets were a scary and foreign concept to me.  (So foreign, in fact, that I forgot to flush that first time.  Whoopsidaisy.)
We drove a little bit further to south-central Kentucky before entering Mammoth Caves National Park, our next destination.  Most activities in this park include taking part in some form of a guided cave tour into some section of the 400 mile long cave system.  What better way than to get started right away!  We first joined the "Historic Cave Tour," which is a short two-mile loop in an extremely wide cave segment.  This cave is enormous, and this portion was about 40 ft high and quite wide.  But there were also sections called "Fat Man's Misery," which required you to make some interesting twists and turns if you happened to be portly.

I've never been in a cave of this size before

Olde-timey graffiti is still graffiti

This cave is really dry, which meant no stalactites or stalagmites.  A lot different than Carlsbad Caverns.
The second tour we joined required a bus to take us five miles away to a different entrance - this one created by dynamite rather than natural causes.  This is the longest cave system in the world and we ended up seeing a combined three miles of it.  The temperature differences between the outside and in the caves was astounding.  Probably a 30 degree difference if not more.  It was the first time I used my sweatshirt on the trip other than a pillow.
This section of the cave was a bit different in that it had three distinct segments: one in which the cave was expanding and dripping water, one that was wider and drier, and a third section that reminded me of a quintessential "cave experience" with familiar cave geology like pillars, stalactites and stalagmites.  The Frozen Niagara, one such area, reminded me of Carlsbad Caverns.  Really cool stuff.

Caving Champions

Cave stuff

EVEN CAVIER STUFF

But the tour was only three quarters of a mile, so we were done and back on the bus pretty quickly.  People were asking the dumbest questions, like "when do the two hours start" as the guide was reading the government mandated rules.  Michelle got hilariously snarky, making comments that had me loling a bit too loudly and mentioning that cave monsters eat children.  She had slept a lot on the ride, but it appeared that she could use a bit more.
Back at camp, we set up the tent and Can Jam.  After two "defeats," Michelle and I destroyed Scott and Sarah when I JAMMED THE CRAP OUT OF THAT CAN.  We cooked dinner over a fire, which included ALL the rest of the food we had and two cases of beer.  It actually ended up being a lot of food.  Before I knew it I was exhausted and went to bed.  I followed through on my threat to steal Michelle's star pillow, since she failed to give me my sweatshirt pillow the previous night.  So I was having a great sleep with pillows and everything when Michelle wakes me up for her pillow back.  I said "let's wait on it."  She asked "when?" to which I honestly replied "when you forget about it."  And it worked.  I had that pillow for the entire night.

Tue. 6/18/13
It was pouring out when we woke up, so we decided to keep sleeping until it calmed down.  Scott, Sarah, and Michelle had all left things outside to dry... it seems to have had the opposite effect.  We saw a crapload of wild turkeys on our way out of the park, but we were so used to them at this point that we didn't even care.
We continued driving north through Kentucky until Cincinnati, crossing the river into Ohio.  It was here that I had the brilliant idea to have lunch at the Munich Beerhall recreation of Hofbrauhaus.  I've been there before during a week of training for work: it was delicious.  A liter of german beer and a bunch of bratwursts.  It was so good.  I let Scott drive the rest of the way for today.

They unfortunately don't have a larger size

JFK apparently was caught trying to steal one of these back in the day

Cincinnati over the river.  That place is pretty decent.

After a few more relatively uneventful hours in Ohio, we stopped near Columbus at Scott's parents' house.  A nice little farm house on a big plot of land with corn a-growin'.  We rode in the Mule around the property to see everything and then we spent the rest of the evening shooting clay pigeons with shotguns until dinner.  Good times.

Farm stuffs

THIS IS HOW I HUNT

Game Face

Scott's parents made us a lovely dinner and I took the first shower in like six days... the first real one, because the one at Bonnaroo barely counts.  Later at night I went out to look at the stars and fireflies out in the fields.  These are the normal fireflies that I'm used to seeing in PA.  Not as incredible as the Synchronous fireflies, but still amazing.  I probably stayed out there watching them and stargazing for half an hour.  At some point we went out for an unreasonable amount of ice cream and went to bed before an early morning.

Wed. 6/19/13
I think it was my dread of returning back to my normal life mixed with a few hiccups during the drive that put me into a sour mood.  Which is not how I want to end a great road trip.
The day started with a great breakfast provided by Scott's parents.  Today, however, we packed up two cars.  Scott is starting his new job that requires a car soon, so he's taking up his old Mustang.  This relieved some of the space issues we were having.  By 7:30 Michelle and I were driving Soup and Scott+Sarah were in the Mustang, heading out for a supposedly 13 hour drive to Boston.  We had walkie-talkies, codename Winterfell for Scott's car and Riverroon (the Robb accent on "Riverrun" is critical) for mine.
Most of the drive was fairly boring.  Driving across PA was beautiful; I had never been to that side of the state before.  Naturally we had to stop at Wawa near Scranton, where I proceeded to drop my hoagie.  No matter, I was given another for my folly.
The trouble hit right around New York.  Scott decided to get EZpass, so we went on ahead through the toll.  Some issue with the overpass had forced 20 cars to pull over to the side of the road, but I had no idea what the cause was at the time.  Scott found out for us.  Apparently there was some piece of something on the overpass just hanging out damaging cars like a boss.  I was lucky, but Scott's oil tank got destroyed.  Winterfell was taken out of commission by a bridge: kind of ironic.
We had to wait a few hours for the police report and for the tow trucks to finish with everyone else to come pick Scott's car up.  Luckily we had my car to fall back on and no one got stuck in NY.  So we all piled into Soup and continued on our merry way to Boston.  Two horrific bouts of traffic later and we finally made it, in only 16.5 hours.  So fun.  I didn't get to sleep until 1:30am.
Not a great way to end the road trip, but I think a round of Thorns and Roses would be a great way to put some perspective on it.  My thorn was definitely the fog in Shenandoah - we just couldn't see anything in the park: a 120 mile drive through a ping pong ball.  My rose was a tie between the insane synchronous firefly show and Paul McCartney singing Live and Let Die.  So epic.

Another successful road trip completed