For your enjoyment: MOAR Exciting Bathroom Tales at Work!

THIS JUST HAPPENED. And it is hilarious and weird. I think those are the only two options when it comes to things that describe me.

I went to the bathroom to expunge the waste from my delicious lunch and to catch up on some iphone games. As the backlight on my phone is still nonexistent due to a common "biking through a thunderstorm" incident 2 months ago, the only games I can now play are Connect-4 and Sudoku. I went with Connect-4. Before I knew it, I passed the fuck out dozed off. It must have been as a result of my exclusive "thesis and triathlon" anti-sleep lifestyle. I was exhausted.

No more than three minutes later I LAUGHED MYSELF awake. I awoke surprised, my head leaning against the side of the stall, to the moderately loud resonance of my own laughter echoing throughout the bathroom. The last thing I remember was a dream in which I was arguing BBQ etiquette to a group of talking forest creatures. I realized how entirely ridiculous the situation MID-DREAM and burst out laughing.

I can only speculate as to what was going through the minds of anybody who happened to be in the bathroom when it erupted with surprise dream-laughter.

Trust Me, You Should Be Jealous of my Dreams

Holy crap, I am the greatest at having the best dreams ever. I'm not even exaggerating. If you ever get the opportunity to be in some crazy science experiment to be transplanted into my dreams, even for one day, you should absolutely take advantage of that seemingly insane option. Sure, it might be a trick to steal all your organs or splice your DNA with a turtle so that you can live in a sewer and learn ninja skills from a talking rat so that you can fight crime, but if it's not, mmmm boy: you're in for a treat.

This weekend I had an epic recreation session in Portland, Maine (to make up for a concussion-y, theft-ful ski trip in New Hampshire the other night) with a renegade band of misfits bent on super awesometimes at Maine breweries. I don't know if it was this particular "Cribz-level mansion-esque hotel room that only cost $40," but my dreams were of the highest caliber. I won't be able to do it justice by explaining it, but take my word for it: it was some serious shit. It was literally the funniest dream I've ever had. I laughed so hard in the dream that I actually started rofling really hard in real life. To the point where I woke everyone up in the hotel room, including myself.

And if I'm not having the most lol-ful dreams in the world, I'm having the most epic adventure dreams that have ever been conceived. Trust me: every one of my dreams could be an awesome movie, and you should want to be a part of them (don't ask me how, because I'm pretty sure Inception isn't possible yet). To sate you until that day comes, here are a few more dreams from my freshman year:

3/23/05

My Dad, sister, and I were creeping through an empty, deserted building to stay away from creatures that attack people. It was on a beach somewhere (I don't know why I wrote that. Knowing the setting of this edifice does literally nothing for the plot of the dream). I wanted to play a casino-shark-looking guy in a crazy, made-up card game for some reason, assuming that by playing a guy who is really good at cards, I will win. Logical.

There was also some winter scene dream in which some Tufts friends and I had to escape an ice fortress by sledding down a mountain.

3/24/05

I was setting up for a game of dodgeball. Not many people were there yet: just me, Matt, and some girls whom I went to middle school with. We played a round, then my Tufts friends and I went to a store in Davis Square. I met a guy in the square, who set a date and time for when I was going to die. I later learned that it was the Grim Reaper. I was able to get out of it by hiding in a bush, so he scheduled another place to kill me. When I showed up (I actually showed up to my pre-scheduled meeting for death? That doesn't sound like something I would do), I ran around telling people that he was trying to kill me. He didn't want to do it in front of everyone, so he made another appointment.

Later, I was trying to study prehistoric fish for some test. I went to lunch with a few Muslim students at Tufts. They got mad that I played a violent sport like dodgeball, so they kicked me out of the room. Well THAT was unfriendly of them!

3/26/05

I was dreaming about my housing situation at Tufts, but then had to go out to dinner. I forgot my shoes and realized that there was a party in the room that I left them in, and I needed a toga to get in. Luckily, I had just taken a shower, and had a towel on.

Back at Tufts, no one knew where Arlen was. Suddenly, we were going to war with seven different territories of creatures that looked like they were from the Never Ending Story. We beat three so far. That was it. Man, that looked like it was about to get good.

3/28/05

The dream began with a lot of my friends and some randos at a dinner party. One or two zombies showed up about mid-way through. We tried killing them by bashing their skulls, but it was very difficult. They started turning some of the guests into zombies by biting them. At this point, about half the attendees were zombies. Some girl came up to talk to me and said something really dumb. I was great at detecting who is a zombie (this is a recurring ability of mine in all my zombie dreams. I think it is the most valuable skill set during the zombie apocalypse), and discovered that she was in the process of becoming a zombie. I hit her in the head with a pipe, but she didn't die, and for some reason, this meant that she was clearly a zombie (yikes, I can't believe the "are you a zombie?" test includes smashing somebody in the head, and if it doesn't smash their brains out, they are a zombie. Rough place to live for sure). Some girl named Karen (how do I know her name and why is it relevant? The shit I choose to write down is pretty boggling sometimes) asked me how I could detect zombies. While she asked, one of the zombies started attacking her, but I saved her. I was about to run out the door with her, since almost everyone inside was a zombie by now. I called out to Gary and Jordan (friends from home and Tufts, respectively) to escape with me, but they told me that they couldn't because they were turning into zombies.

Karen and I ran out while the zombies tried to follow. We ran to the top of the Tufts hill. The zombie version of Jimmy (my best friend) came at us, but I talked to him and got through to the last remnants of his human side, and instead of attacking us, he helped us. He showed us a trail to go down the hill secretly, so we were able to get away. Karen was now Lauren (my girlfriend at the time). We walked through Medford, seeing warrants for our arrest as we tried to escape. We stole a car and got away. Then Lauren started singing a song, which turned out to be the song that was playing on my alarm clock, so I woke up.

Another Round of the First Dream Journal

Is it time for- yes it IS time for YET ANOTHER SEGMENT OF "Strange Intense Dreams from the Mind of Young Chris Severino." This shit is getting insane.

1/15/05

My family had a backyard cookout with the McCormacks (Jimmy's family). There was SO MUCH FOOD. I started stocking up and devouring it because I didn't actually get to eat anything yet in the dream. There was egg nog, Popsicles that you freeze in those plastic tubes, steak, and other stuff. I tried cooking the steak, but it was a charcoal grill and we didn't have any coals. I was devastated (OBVIOUSLY. When I get my mind on dream steak, I NEED that fucking steak). My sister and I ganged up on my Dad with water balloons at the end of the dream. The whole time I had the song "Psycho Killer" by the Talking Heads stuck in my head. When I woke up, it turns out it was playing on my computer.

1/16/05

Some friends and I were going paintballing up at Tufts. Ian and Jimmy (friends from home) were there too, but it was hard to sneak out of the building without the guards seeing (because paintball is apparently illegal in this particular dream. Let's just roll with it, ok?). We finally made it through the gate, but it turned out that I forgot my gun in my bag, so I went back inside to get it. I went through an alarmed door, and when the cop came to investigate, Ian and I made up a story. It worked, so we left to play paintball. There were a bunch of us behind a bunker, and someone on the other team looked like Samus: he could roll really fast and could turn invisible. I saw him setting up for a sneak attack and shot him before he went into invisible mode. For some reason, we decided to play 2 vs 4. It was Nate (friend from Tufts) and me versus everyone else, and we ended up winning. Then it was Kyle (future roommate at Tufts) and me versus everyone, and we won because I set a paint proximity mine that devastated their entire team. Where did I find such a futuristic and sadistic weapon to play this game?

1/23/05

Jordan (friend from Tufts) and I had to present our computer project about a dog who could lasso bones. The only one who liked the project was the dog. Ian ate his project, which was some cardboard-based cereal. I desperately want to meet this dog.

1/24/05

A few people and I went into a room armed with swords on a mission to destroy the zombies and other monsters in it. Four humans were also inside, and they were harder to kill than the zombies (wait why am I trying to kill humans also??). The first human appeared, and I had to fight him with my ninja sword while all my friends were fighting the zombies. He stabbed me a few times, but eventually I won. Then Lauren showed up, and I had to kill a zombie by cutting its head off to save her.

1/27/05

In one of my dreams I had a pet raptor who protected my house from other kinds of dinosaurs; the kinds that steal eggs (HAHAHAHA what is this? Am I some sort of insane egg-enthusiast who will stop at nothing to ensure the safety of his precious eggs?). The other dinosaurs ganged up on him, but I came to rescue him. We were then zapped into a time portant thing where I saw the skeleton of some kid.

In another dream, I was on some space colony with really tall buildings. I was going up one building in a fast-moving elevator for a job interview. I passed all the tests, and for the final "interview," the guy told me to "suck my own dick." Since this was impossible, I didn't get the job. I was livid, because none of the other applicants had to do that, and it was extremely inappropriate and fairly gay. Later, he told me that I got the job anyway, but in order to accept I had to go pray at a Japanese temple.

1/30/05

I was in my house, but my family was imprisoned in the basement and a bunch of guys with guns were roaming around all the rooms. I had to stay alive and help my family by killing all the bad guys (I love these Die Hard dreams where I'm super badass. I wish I dreamed up more explosions though...). I had a knife or something stupid like that to start with, and I killed a couple guys with it. Some others saw me and started shooting at me though, so I kept frantically running into random rooms, which happened to have other bad guys in them, so I repeated the entire process. I was running and ducking behind walls for most of the dream. I finally killed or injured most of them, except the main guy. I ran upstairs and saw him in the bathroom, staring out the window. I ran into my parents' room, looking for a gun, but all I found was my Dad's old Civil War rifle with no bullets. I snuck into the bathroom, where the guy was still looking out the window. I smashed the butt of the gun over his head. There was a little blood, and he turned around. I hit him again, and he passed out onto the floor. I was really worried that he wasn't dead and that he would eventually wake up and shoot me, so I kept smashing his head with the rifle until part of his brains came out (wow, I apologize for how freakishly graphic this dream is. The weird thing is that I remember it being INTENSELY graphic when I had it, and it really disturbed me when I woke up. GOOD TIMES.) Then I went downstairs and rescued my family.

2/2/05 Nap

I had a nap in which Arlen (friend from Tufts) kept waking me up, like 4 or 5 times, but I was still in the dream. I was always "in the middle" of dreams, so I was all groggy and stuff. I started "punching" at Arlen when I was in the middle of "waking up." Then I taught a Physics class for Physics 1. By the end of the dream, I knew it was a dream, and could pull myself in and out of dreams. However, when I woke up from one, I always ended up in a more real version of another dream. I lost my Eagles hat in the snow when I had to crawl into some sort of snow cage for some reason (yeah, I crawl into random "snow cages" a lot. It's a hobby of mine). Near the end, I talked to Lauren on the phone. I didn't know what was reality and what wasn't. Then I had no fingers. I had thumbs, just no fingers. When I actually woke up, my hand was asleep because I had been laying on it.

2/4/05 Nap

Nate and I were trying to get little miniature fungus action figures because we just saw a cool action movie about fungus (how the fuck is that even possible?). We went to great lengths to try to steal them even though they were like two dollars and we had coupons (SERIOUSLY WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. How am I capable of coming up with an intricate "fungus-toy" heist in an effort to save $2?).

Later, my friends and I were in a huge group with some people I didn't know. I was on a sled in front of a truck because there was no more room inside it. We were driving through a snowstorm. I kept hitting dwarves with my sled. They rolled right over my sled, falling backward into the truck (oh my). One of the dwarves was my friend. I was able to roll him off the side of the road so he wouldn't get run over by the truck like the rest (oh wow, I feel bad about laughing at this dwarven genocide situation). When we got back (to wherever we were), I saw Jess (my sister). Her new friends that she had been hanging out with were weird hippie people. They had tank tops on and had hair all over their stomachs and armpits. I quickly turned away toward my sister so that I wouldn't hurl. To my HORROR, I saw that she too had armpit hair down to her hips. I immediately threw up. I think the dream ended there. And if it didn't, it should have. (The dream might have ended....but the nightmare didn't).

Ok that's a good enough place to stop. Because I'm probably going to go drop a barf just thinking about that scenario.

First Dream Journal Entries EVER

You lucky motherfuckers.

Do you have any idea how big a treat you're in for? The answer is a definitive "no." I was back in Philly for Thanksgiving, where I stumbled across my FIRST dream journal. That's right. The day I decided to start keeping track of my dreams by writing them down. This is HISTORIC. You are about to begin an adventure into the mind of 18-year-old, freshman at Tufts, Chris Severino. Your lives are about to change.

12/12/04

Last night I dreamed about a very strange occurrence (wow young Chris, so eloquent! Compare this to the bullshit, half-asleep, pseudo-writing that I crap out now). I was some demon/vampire thing with big wings, sort of looking like the giant demon from the mountain in Fantasia (I compare most things in life to how they relate to Fantasia, don't worry). I was making a crazy plan to trick a group of villagers roaming through my woods. My minion, a normal looking guy, kept foiling my plans and plotted against me. I don't know exactly what I was trying to trick them for, maybe to eat them? Anyway, I woke up. I went back to sleep, and had the EXACT SAME dream, except from the point of view of my minion (holy fuck, that's pretty twisted actually). It was very freaky. There were the exact same conversations and everything; I was just thinking what the servant was thinking. Somehow foiling all of the demon-guy's plans made sense now. I woke up when this was over. Is it possible for this to happen? It was insane. I don't know how to react. (This is so fucking weird. My past self's brain just freaked out my current self aka. me)

12/14/04

A cop was trying to help me and my sister with something, but it turned out that he was an impostor and was trying to kill us (standard Severino dream scenario). I stole his cop car and sped away, but other officers stopped me. I explained about how it was a guy who was tricking us, but I was constantly being framed. While they tried to find the real bad guy, weird stuff happened (engineers are very descriptive). I made pancakes inside a racetrack of Diddy Kong Racer. Then, Jimmy (best friend from home) and I kicked kids out of an elevator so we could learn how to make shark puppets. You can't make this stuff up. (Seriously wtf? How are these things even possible to imagine into a reality?). Eventually it was ok to go back home, so a bunch of us were talking outside about leaving. It was REALLY windy, and one of the nearby radio towers was bending and flailing in the wind. It eventually came down and smashed into my arm. Worst pain ever. I actually felt pain in my dream. I had a huge brown bump that was bleeding all up and down my arm in the dream. As I went to the hospital, Oanh (friend from Tufts) said it looked like something happened to it, entirely missing the fact that I had a huge gash that was bleeding profusely. Then I woke up.

12/14/04 Nap

Holy shit, I forgot that I used to take naps!

It started off as a pretty great dream. My roomate and I realized that our dorm room was right next to two friends from high school, so we opened the center section to make one gigantic room. We also got a washer, dryer, huge hallway, and cabinets somehow. Then it got weird. I ate a Fruit-by-the-Foot snack, and all my teeth broke in my mouth and fell out. I knew it was a dream at this point (I HATE when the tooth-falling-out thing happens, but at least I always recognize it as a dream at that point), and I kept trying to wake myself up. I was on the roof of Lewis (my dorm freshman year) trying to get to the dentist to help me, but three guys randomly picked a fight with me for no reason. I threw one of them off the top of Lewis (Wow, extreme fighting technique!) as the other two kept kicking me. I tried really hard to wake up, and Raven (my roomate) walked by my bed, so I was finally able to wake up.

12/15/04

I've had a dream like this before. I was a sniper, but my division failed and I was taken prisoner. I was tortured, but it was also some strange rehab program where we all share stories. I had a spy camera that was also a gun, but the access code was broken, so I couldn't use it. There was a girl who was also taken captive, and we tried to escape together. Then all of a sudden me, Jimmy, and Olsen (another friend from home) were in a team go-kart race, and we won. (That's not random at all)

12/17/04

I forgot most of it, but at one point I was in need of surgery but no one would take me to the hospital. Then I was bit three times by a rabid raccoon. A lot of my friends started watching Family Guy on Adult Swim, but I was sort of dying from rabies. (That might actually be the best text I've ever written in my entire life)

12/18/04

I remember playing football at one point, and then wrestling. Me and some other guy discussed how on a certain date the ocean's current would get stronger and the polar axis would switch. Today's South would switch to North. I didn't believe it. I also solved a crime somewhere in there.

12/25/04

Some friends from Tufts and I went to BU's "porn room." (what does that even mean please?) We had to get flushed to another dimension in some weird toilet that we stood in (like in Harry Potter! I really hope it turns out that I'm a wizard in this dream...). I walked around barefoot in a gross bathroom, and I was drunk. Oleg developed some crazy cosine converter equation that I tried to understand.

12/28/04

I made a really good sandwich and was about to eat it when Geoff (one of my best friends from home) and I got a message from some dude claiming that he kidnapped Jimmy. I never got to eat the sandwich, but it had bacon, chicken, ham, salami, and mustard, and I kept thinking about it the entire dream (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). Geoff and I looked up the guy's voice online and found him (because that is a thing that is possible). We went to his house, and it turned out that he didn't do anything to Jimmy, but there were a bunch of naked people there. Suddenly, I was playing Game Cube at Tufts. I went down the hall and found a guy from dodgeball, who invited Geoff and I to a party. I was on rollerblades somehow, and I slipped a lot, so everyone thought I was drunk. I tried looking for my shoes (in trashcans) but I couldn't find them. Cops came. They didn't bust anyone, but they asked me and the guy from dodgeball some questions about adding and subtracting numbers. Geoff went around asking different girls to dance, but kept getting slapped. At this point I went back to my room. Raven apparently lent my Game Cube to some other people. I started working on a lego robot for class, but I had millions of legos all over the room, including two huge bins that I brought up to school. They got mixed up with the robot legos, and I had to sort them until I decided to wake myself up.

12/30/04

I was exploring the library at Tufts when I came across a section of couches and beds. I forget a little in between, but later I was frantically locking a door because a poisonous giant snake escaped in this room. All of these snakes were going around killing people, so a bunch of people were locking themselves in other rooms for safety. I met this guy who was selling kittens. I tried to buy one from him, but he never gave me a price, and I woke up. (This dream very rapidly shifted from an exciting thriller about deadly snakes to a kitten-related business proposition. I'd be lying if I said this was unusual.)

1/6/05

I was playing dodgeball, and I was trying really hard to peg one of the douche bags who lives in my dorm. I fell dodging a ball, and someone threw a ball at me while I was on the ground, but I caught it somehow. Then Jimmy, Geoff, Olsen and I got off a school bus at my bus stop and played videogames in my garage.

Then a bunch of us started playing some game where you have to roll these weird candies into holes. Some other kid tried playing with us, but he got arrested.

Then I was on my way to Philmont (a place in New Mexico where I backpacked for two weeks), but I didn't know anyone in my group. I was setting the table for our lunch before we started hiking, but people started fighting over who got shrimp. I tried to get napkins from the top of some Aztec ruins, but these monsters who lived there kept trying to smash me off the temple with giant mallets. They eventually hit me and I woke up.

1/11/05

A couple of Marines were climbing up a cliff like in that commercial. The difference was that once they got close to the top, they got zapped by lightning and fell most of the way down. But they kept scrambling back up that damn cliff.

1/12/05

It was the first day of second semester, and I was having a shitty day. My classes were miles away on some desert sandy path. I went to the bookstore to find a gigantic crappy old $300 physics book that I needed to buy. No EN elective books though.

Another dream I had was very strange. It started with me and some other guy trying to track me down to sword fight with me. We ran around the mall, and I finally escaped, but ended up killing a lot of people (meh, it happens). We were then taken to some basement dungeon, where we met a common enemy: some weird phantom creature. The guy and the creature sword fought with each other, but the guy lost. While they were fighting, I escaped to a hidden area where a bunch of people were, and they already knew about the creatures, who began to multiply. We found that it was only safe in the light, and when you took a photograph, they were all surrounding us in the photo: slimy, bloody looking things. As I was getting flashlights to protect everyone, all my friends bought guns and tried to take on the creatures. They were either killed or assimilated. There were only three of us left, and we found that we were gradually turning into the creatures. We decided to finally make a last stand in a suicide mission, but I woke up.

Ok, now that I've thoroughly blown my own mind, that's enough. HOWEVER! You may have already noticed that NOT ONE OF THESE DREAMS included zombies! How weird is that!?

Dream Journal Early 2007

Holy fuck my dreams are so weird.

1/1/07

In my dream I had to do a lot more work for my fluids class (I should explain that the previous semester, in which I had taken Fluids class, had recently ended. It was a difficult class. Don't fuck with Reynold's numbers). My professor gave us two additional tests after our final was already over, and I actually did them in my dream. Also, I learned and played a lot of games involving knees and flying while attacking things. It was a weird game. (I should also explain that I had recently had knee surgery after tearing my ACL that year. Like...two days prior to this dream. I guess I was still thinking about it...)

1/3/07

My Mom was going over a test with me and eating Chinese food. I was getting pissed because I wanted to take a shower, but all my shower stuff was disgusting from my Mom's food getting all over it. Then she dumped out all my crayons. (How old am I? Crayons?)

Later, I went to Little People (my old day-care) to take a nap with a wrestling helmet. Then I went across the street where my friend Geoff was doing carpenter stuff (what the fuck is "carpenter stuff?"). I slid up a ramp to him because there was no friction.

1/4/07

I played a huge game of dodgeball. I was really good at catching. I have a feeling I really liked this dream.

1/10/07

I was at an amusement park area with a bunch of people, but it felt like I was in a movie. I had to give some guy $5 for tax software for some reason. Then me and Jimmy went exploring. Later on, we found some of the other people again, but zombies were attacking. Some were zombies of celebrities, and tricked others to come near them, but ended up attacking them and turning everyone but me and Jimmy into zombies. It actually turned out to be the movie that I was watching at the amusement park though.

1/12/07

I was able to derive the Navier-Stokes equations on Jeopardy. I also had to go to my 11th grade History class because I had apparently missed a test, and I had to choose a project to do. I chose to do my project on opium. Where the hell did this come from?

1/16/07

I was packing to go home really late at night in one of my dreams. Some friends were over, and Olsen said that if you light a lighter after thunder and count until the flame goes out, that's how many paces a ghost is from you. It really freaked me out in the dream.

In another dream, I was a sniper in a helicopter, and the enemy was shooting anti-aircraft missiles at us. I was able to shoot all the missiles before they hit us.

1/24/07

I was in France in some Twilight Zone kind of place, where if I left a building I would die, but the building was like Death's waiting room or something stupid. Then I took a tiny cab to Talloires, France. Lauren and I visited my host family, but Lauren was really rude. Emmanuel, my host brother, had hurt his neck.

1/25/07

Me and Cronin were playing some Mortal Kombat game because we were stuck at a toy store until our train arrived. Then it turned into a game where I was a rabbit stealing stuff at some mansion.

2/5/07

It was my birthday and I was on vacation on some tropical island (wow, a dream about my birthday ON my birthday!) I stole some weird little trinket from a store for Lauren. Later on, Gary was telling me how his old girlfriend sucked.

In another dream, I was taking classes at my old day-care. I was doing a self-portrait in charcoal. Matt Higger was also in my drawing class, and he was pretty good.

The last dream was about some really old vampire movie, which switched to a movie about shady trains in the snow of Eastern Europe (wtf does that mean?). Then Dodgeball House had to give a presentation on potatoes. That seems really interesting.

2/26/07

Jordan and I were sneaking around the Fogg, (a museum near Harvard where we went for our drawing class) at night. We had to scramble around a bunch of pipes so some guy wouldn't see us. Then I was in charge of a drinking and driving program. I was running around the school, but it looked like it was a level in Resident Evil. I had to build a fire at one point.

3/1/07

A bunch of my friends were living at a house similar to Dodgeball House. I had to travel to some nearby city, but was attacked by two guys. They tried to kill me, so I attempted to out-run them. I ran into a building and ran around it like a maze, eventually coming up behind them and stomping on one of their heads (holy crap!). When I got back to the house, a bunch of people were watching TV in my room. Jimmy came over, but then quickly left after finding no snacks.

3/5/07

Me and some other people were lost in an underground system of really small tunnels. There were some bug-people, but they didn't do much except stand around. I took out a pocket knife and cut a hole in the side to get out; somehow I was able to saw through the studs in the wall. Also, we stole a bunch of sweatshirts (I'm not sure how that fits in with the rest of this story). When we got out, some guy started shooting at us with a really weak laser. I snuck up behind him and stole the laser gun. I shot him a couple times, and then lectured him not to use it again. Later on, I pretended I was retarded at the mall. I'm going to go ahead and end with that one....