No. Fucking. Way.

This is hilariously impossible. Straight up PREPOSTEROUS. My mind has been blown to the degree in which I am tripping balls. I am tripping ALL THE BALLS. There is not a single ball left un-tripped. In order to join me on this storytelling journey of unfathomable mind-blowingidness (that's a word now btdubs), you're going to have to reference my previous post FOUND HERE.

That time where someone had farty-times while we were alone in the bathroom? Yeah, that is very much involved in another installment of "Is it possible to get fired for laughing in the bathroom at work?"

This particular story begins as I'm, once again, alone in the bathroom at work. This time I'm sitting in the stall playing games on my phone, as I am wont to do. I hear a guy walk in and go over to one of the urinals. Everything is fairly normalsauce for about 5 seconds. Then, like a recurring nightmare: he blows SEVERE ASS. He must have thought he was alone in the bathroom and decided to let one rip. And it wasn't just a "pffftttt" either. It was one of the foulest varieties of gaseous eruption that I have ever heard. The kind that make angels weep.

My immediate instinct is to laugh. Any potentially mature reaction of being shocked/appalled was completely overwhelmed by the fact that this was the funniest thing that has happened to me all day. There was nothing in the Universe that would prevent me from having a lol session, try as I might. So I laughed. I failed miserably at my attempt to stifle it. It was a full-on 2 to 3 second chuckle-fest. My first thought was "holy shit, that was funny, but WTF! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AGAIN???" Luckily, I was behind closed doors, and thus would be able to avoid any face-to-face awkwardness that would most definitely occur. The thing is, now I had to wait for him to finish and leave the bathroom before I got out of the stall. Whatever, another round of Angry Birds never killed anyone. So I waited until I heard him flush, and then gave him some buffer time to wash his hands and walk out. Ok, so I was in the bathroom for a crazy long time, because he seriously took his time. He must have been drinking incredible amounts of water. So I waited. It was totally worth it, because I had just gotten away with what should have been an EXTREMELY awkward moment. Or so I thought.

I exit the bathroom stall feeling triumphant, and walk towards the sinks to wash my hands. And what do I see? The same guy who urinal-farted the last time I wanted to die from awkwardness. The same fucking guy. How is this possible? How could fate throw this situation at me? Statistically this is either impossible, or this guy farts EVERY TIME he goes to the urinal. What the hell dude? Are you on a diet purely made up of baked beans and Chipotle? I don't know how I survived the next few moments. Everything I've come to understand about how the world works tells me that I should have immediately died. My HOPE is that I tried to play it cool, but in reality who knows. I kind of blacked out due to the sheer force of palpable awkwardness. He was looking at me. I can't remember what expression he had on his face, because the only thing my brain could focus on was how strange my gait must appear with all of my ass muscles simultaneously clenching under his gaze. I seriously don't even remember the rest because my brain was stroking all over the place. By the time I got to the sink area, he was gone. And so ends my second encounter with the guy that I don't know who works on my floor and farts whenever we're alone in the bathroom.

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the fact that I will eventually walk by him in the halls, please let me know. The only thing I can think of right now is to shoot myself in the face so that I can avoid that situation. UGH.

Seriously though. Hilarious fart. Top notch.

Most Awkward Incident at Work in the History of my Professional Career

I am still reeling from what I consider to be the most hilarious disaster to ever befall me at my place of business. Listen close as I regale you with a story of triumphs and miseries.

I went to the bathroom, as I often do after eating a lunch large enough that two normal sized human beings would find filling, and during this particular visit, I was alone. It is a small-ish sized bathroom, 5 stalls and 4 urinals, but usually gets a lot of traffic. Anyway, I'll skip the gruesome details, but the trip was a success. All waste was deposited in a toilet, no mishaps; I was in good shape. Despite the fact that it has been 23-ish years since I've mastered the toilet, I still celebrate the little victories.

So as I exit the stall and start washing my hands, another guy comes in. This guy doesn't work in my group, but right nearby, so I see him from time to time. We have the sort of relationship where you give the casual head nod or mumble "hey" as we pass each other in the hallway. He walks up to the urinal, staring straight ahead, and I am about 5 feet away from him, at the sink, also staring straight ahead (standard bathroom etiquette). We stand there in near silence, with only the sound of running water and soapy hands to stifle the subtle awkwardness.

Then, out of nowhere, he releases a prolific, reverberating fart that cuts through the silence like a super-heated sword through butter. I did everything in my power to stifle the unstoppable roar of laughter that would have otherwise erupted immediately. And when I say I tried, I really mean it. Sweat was coming down. I started shaking. But after a few moments of dead silence, a single snort-chuckle slipped out. Oh my god. What had I done? In that instant, he and I were linked on so many levels. We didn't DARE look at each other, but in that moment we could see into each other's souls. It was surreal. The awkwardness was almost PALPABLE. We could taste each other's fear.

Without hesitation, I turned off the water and fast-walked out of there without looking back. I didn't even finish washing my hands; they were still coated with soapy water. The moment I got out of this bathroom, or as I will forevermore refer to as the "prison of awkwardness," I burst out laughing. I'm sure he heard me as the door was closing, I'm absolutely positive, but I literally couldn't hold it back any longer. With dripping hands, I rofl'd all the way back to my desk.

I am really dreading seeing him in the hallway again, because we both know that this situation has forever changed the dynamics of our "head-nod" relationship. I'm going to have to start working weird hours or something so I can avoid these encounters when I arrive or leave work.