Showing posts with label poopy times. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poopy times. Show all posts

Monday, January 7, 2013

Tanzania: Hiking Kilimanjaro

In December of the two thousand and twelfth year of our lord, I had the incredible opportunity to travel to Tanzania for a combo of climbing Kilimanjaro and safariing (I have decided that this is a word despite what any so-called "dictionary" claims).  Granted, I paid several shiny nickels for this opportunity to come to fruition, not to mention using my entire year's worth of vacation days to go, but still.  Small price to pay for one of those "unforgettable, once-in-a-lifetime adventures."  Alright, enough chit chat, let me paint you a story of my musings.  As per usual on my adventures, I wrote down my thoughts as I went, so here are my journal notes for the hiking portion of the Tanzania trip.
Sipping some mango juice at 15000 ft.  NBD.
Friday 12/7/2012
Currently at the airport in Boston with Korin.  Morale is high.  He is a member of the Delta Sky Club, so we're waiting for our flight to Tanzania (through Amsterdam) with free snacks and drinks.  Getting pumped.

Just got another drink.  Seriously going to bless the rains down in Africa right about now.

Saturday 12/8/2012
We are now waiting for our next flight, from Amsterdam to Tanzania.  It is going to be a rough day of traveling ahead.  Not excited about that.

Ok now we arrived in Tanzania.  The first thing I noticed was the heat (or rather, the lack of cold).  The second thing: AWFUL road conditions.  Seriously just the worst.  (We later learned that the road from Arusha to Moshi, which we were on from the airport, was rated "most dangerous road in the world." Nice.)  But now I am le tired, and we are getting up at 7am, which is I don't even know what time my body thinks.

Sunday 12/9/2012
First day of hiking: complete.  We awoke at 7am to get our last shower and some food, and then met up with our guide and porters after locking up all our safari gear that we don't need for the hike.
We are hiking the Lemosho trail, and the drive from Moshi to the Lemosho starting point was about 2.5 hours and terrifying at times... or for the entire duration.  The "roads" were in horrible condition and were super muddy.  There were a few times I thought we'd go careening down to a firey/muddy death, because even the Land Rover was having a tough time.  We couldn't actually make it all the way to the starting point because it was so treacherous that the car was spinning out at like 45 degrees relative to the ground.  GOOD, GET ME OUT OF THIS DEATH-MOBILE.  So then we had some nom and hiked up to the starting point.  A few extra miles, but no big deal; it was an easy first day of hiking anyway (little did I know that most days would be relatively easy... relative to summit day.  whoops, spoiler alert).  What wasn't easy was the rain and the mud.  Oh man, it was pouring.  It's still raining a bit, but we're just hanging out in our tent at "Big Tree Campsite."  Only our rain gear got soaked, and only our boots (and pants I guess) got muddy, so there's not really any reason to complain.  But that won't stop me.
The only bummer so far is that the clouds obscured any kind of view all day.  But we're in a rain forest right now, so we wouldn't be able to see anything anyway.  And we got to see Kilimanjaro from our hotel this morning when it was hot and sunny and awesome.  What an incredible, surreal view.  I've never seen anything so big.  The snow-capped summit rising above the clouds looked beyond anything I could imagine.
LOOK HOW BIG THAT IS.  THAT'S LIKE 20 MILES AWAY.
Anyway, Korin and I are now sitting in our private eating/tea tent (so weird), enjoying popcorn and hot tea and getting our lounge on.  It feels really strange that people brought up an extra tent, chairs, a table, and tea stuff, just for us to have a "tea time."  I guess we ARE paying them...

Monday 12/10/2012
Before I write about today (not that much has happened yet: it is 6:30am and we're just about to have breakfast), I wanted to comment on the food a bit.  At this point I think they believe there are four or more of us, because they kept bringing in course after course for dinner, and they were all pretty damn good.  Cucumber soup, curry vegetables, fried fish and potatoes, and some tiny, finger-sized banana things.  What the fuck are those?
After the Sun went down yesterday, we played some cards, but soon went to bed - I guess we were more tired than expected.  It continued to pour all night, which led to everything we own being soaking wet.  Huzzah.  I awoke at 4am to the sound of strange animal calls.  It was a cacophony that I could barely comprehend.  Also, my bladder was about as full as it gets, but it would be a pain in the dick to get up and go to the "bathroom," so I just laid in my moist sleeping bag (ewww) for two hours, unable to go back to sleep (because all I could think about was urinating).  But I'm feeling ok.  I had a slight headache when I went to bed, and we're only at 9,200 ft.  I can only imagine it will get worse.  I start the altitude sickness pills in a couple days.
Another interesting note about these campgrounds, or shantytowns, is the pooproom.  There are a bunch of outhouse "buildings" sans seats.  Just a hole cut out of the floor, and if you're lucky, a door and a place on the floor to help you line up your feet.  So that's a fun experience.

Korin and I are now back to sitting in our "throne room," because it was a shortish hike and we friggn booked it.  The rainforest ended at about 10,000 ft, and after that came an alpine type of environment, with small trees and bushes.
Our guide, Richard, as we end our short stay in the rainforest
We gained a fair amount of elevation up a ridge in the alpine "Mulan" region, and are now at about 12,500 ft.  We made it to our second camp a little after noon, right before the rain hit.  Before that it was sunny up until the moment we started walking through a cloud.  Not as fluffy as advertised.  I started feeling a bit light-headed during the hike.  I am definitely starting to feel this altitude.
We spent a majority of our day playing cards, reading, and drinking tea (lunch, tea time, AND dinner).  There were a few moments where the clouds cleared and we could see the snowy sections of the mountain - still a few days away.  We were able to "dry" some of our stuff... well, make it slightly less damp, before another short rain/hail storm hit.  The air is cooling off; it seems like it will be long-sleeve clothes from here on out.
Dinner was chicken, rice, curry vegetables, and onion soup.  I'm really loving these soups.  Not only are they the best part of the meal, but they are adding a warmth element that I'm starting to covet.

Tuesday 12/11/2012
Sleep was better last night - probably because I got up to pee this time.  Between rain showers I threw my jacket and flip flops on (I had underwear on, calm down) and ran out to piss for like ten minutes straight.  This altitude is really making my bladder go a little crazy.

Short hike today.  Relatively easy too, although by the end of it my head started feeling the altitude a bit.  Super short hike though.  We left Shira Campsite (~12,500 ft) at 8:45am and got to this site, Shira Hut (13,500ish ft) by 11am.  Basically just meandering toward the summit, which we can actually see now!  The clouds parted for most of the hike.  It was a gorgeous sunny day and made even better by the fact that we could look at the massive, snow-capped summit region during the entire hike.
View of the summit from our throne room.  Yes, I call it that.

But the best part about this site, despite the view, is SIT-DOWN TOILETS.  Holy fuck.  I forgot how great it is to poo without squatting.  Anywho... lunchtime.

Nothing else too exciting today.  We went for a short hike just to see the area, and played a shitload of cards.  But hey, it was nice out and we were able to dry all of our stuff.
Dinner was a great mix of naan, noodles, and beef stew.  Richard, our guide, then measured our oxygen and heart rate.  We're doing ok.  Tomorrow is an acclimatization day, so we'll go up to 15,000 feet, and then back down a bit.  Right before bed, I got my first look at the southern hemisphere stars.  Pretty awesome.  New constellations and the Big Dipper is upside down!  Clouds pretty far away had some lightning action going on.  I can't really describe how incredible it is to see lightning from a higher elevation, but it was a great moment.

Wednesday 12/12/2012
Well last night was freezing.  I had my sleeping bag entirely zipped closed, except when I had to grab a breath here and there because there was so little oxygen.  This does not bode well for future campsites.  And I definitely got sunburned yesterday.  My first move this morning was to apply some serious sunscreen.  Which sucked because it was freezing.  Good news though: not a cloud in the sky.  Great view of the summit and surrounding area that I had never seen before, including a surprise mountain to the south!  Mt. Meru for anyone who is curious.
Alpine flora with a cute little 15,000 ft mountain in the background
Today was a longer hike than we've had thus far.  We hiked up towards the snowy tundra region to Lava Tower, at about 15,100 ft.  There we had lunch, which included throwing food and occasionally rocks at these little chipmunk/mouse creatures that kept trying to steal our cookies.  The hike up wasn't too bad; I started my altitude sickness pills today, and the worst I got was a little light-headedness.  It was definitely getting tough to breathe.  But that's the point of getting acclimated today.  It was such a clear, beautiful day!  The entire hike we had an amazing view of the summit.  Almost like it was teasing us, the fucker.
After lunch, the fog started rolling in.  Well, I guess I should say cloud, because we're in the middle of a goddamn cloud army.  It was maybe only an hour and a half to our campground from Lava Tower.  It does suck going downhill when you know you will have to go back up it eventually again.  Barranco Hut, our campground, is at 13,000 ft and is friggn enormous.  Another trail meets up here, so there are a lot more people than we're used to seeing.  I guess I should clarify that there were a lot of porters, because once again, we are the first tourists.  It's no longer a matter of IF we will be the first to arrive into camp, but rather how badly we beat everyone else.  We were seriously booking it.  We passed four groups of people along the way, not including a group where a woman was wearing jeggings.  I'm not including them because it's expected that they are slow as shit with a woman in fucking jeggings and a guy wearing man-capris.  Ugh.  It's Africa guys.  Just stop.  We were so fast that we actually even passed a porter!  This is huge, because these guys are all but un-passable.  Never mind that they have shittier gear and carry 50-60 pounds on their heads.  They are always insanely fast.
Tea time is becoming less and less a nice convenience and more and more a necessity.  The same is true for the wash bowls they give us after we finish hiking.  This is how we bathe now.
We spent most of the afternoon playing cards (shocking): the only two-person games we know, which is basically two and a half games, are getting hackneyed.  We also explored a cliffy overlook when the clouds cleared a bit.  Definitely the best campground.
A couple of Dr. Seuss trees amidst the Zion-like landscape
Thursday 12/13/2012
It is freezing.  What is this, Hoth?  Still not wearing all my layers, but the closer we get to the summit, the colder it gets.  I guess that should be somewhat expected.  The nights get so damn cold - below freezing for sure.  Luckily my sleeping bag liner is staving off death by cold.  We're camped in a valley right now, so direct sunlight is most likely not going to happen until we're on the trail.  Also, my sunburn got worse somehow.  MORE SUNSCREEN.
It didn't take long until we became completely immersed in cloud.  Pretty damn foggy.  The hike was fairly short (finished by 11:30) but really fun.  It started by climbing the Barranco Wall, which is a really steep, high, scrambly... wall.  I love scrambly hikes, so that was fun.
I can't think of a word with which to describe his expression
Then we had a great view of fog at the top.  Bright side: the altitude isn't getting to me as much.  I mean sure, I get winded just by brushing my teeth, but fewer headaches.  A few more ups and downs after the Wall... and one big up and BOOM: Karanga Hut.  Right before the rain.  Seriously though, this fog better clear after lunch because I almost got lost coming back from the toilet-hole.  I can't see shit.

Cards, dinner, and getting ready for bed went off without a hitch, not that I expected it to.  It was pretty cold, but whatever, I can deal with that via FLEECE PANTS.  Yes.  However, around 4am, my digestive system decided to no longer be a team player.  After that hellish nightmare of a freezing cold bathroom run, I visited the "hole" twice more in the next four hours.  Fuck me.  My good digestive luck has evidently caught up with me.  I hope this immodium works.

Friday 12/14/2012
The unfortunate morning, as described earlier, left me with dampened spirits.  But then we hit the trail, and it is a really clear day, so things improved.  It was a tough, albeit short hike.  Fairly steep.  We gained about 2,000 ft, putting us at 15,100 ft here at "base camp."  It is a hell of a lot colder and windier up here.  But we're in good position for the final push to the summit.  The altitude has destroyed my appetite.  Now, whenever we get served a meal, I look unhappily at it until I've forced a portion of it into my face.  The plan is to lunch - nap - dinner - nap until midnight, at which point we start hiking the remaining 4,200 ft to the summit.  Yikes.

Saturday 12/15/2012
Our "morning" began by waking up at 11pm on Friday and preparing our bodies and minds for the summit hike.  Also tea time.  By midnight we were on the trail.  Holy fuck was it cold.  I started the hike with winter wool socks and liners, long underware, pants, a couple of tech shirts, down jacket, and heavy shell.  Also a winter hat and glove liners.  That worked for like the first two hours.
The hike was pretty incredible.  All you could see was the splotch of ground in front of you from your head lamp, the city of Moshi lit up 15,000 ft below, more stars than you can possibly imagine, and the silhouette of  the last 4,200 ft of mountain above you against the starry sky.  And it was silent.  Because we were focusing on just trying to breathe.  It was... ridiculously hard to breathe.
About halfway through, the wind and cold were ruining every part of my body.  Apparently my gloves blow ass, so I reverted to holding handwarmers (THANK GOD I PACKED THESE LAST MINUTE) in my pockets.  My camelback hose froze near the top, but I was done with water at that point: just trying to get oxygen.  It was seriously cold, I'm not even kidding.
We slowly went up the 4,000ish vertical feet for about 5 hours before we hit the "near top:" Stella point, right around where the glaciers start.  Not that we'd know until our return trip when the Sun was finally rising.
About 45 minutes later: we were there.  We were the second group to summit out of about 20 (the first group, I contend, doesn't even count because they left way before us).  The Sun was just starting to make an appearance.
Summitted around 5:45am
Those glaciers are a lot bigger than I would have guessed
GET UP HERE AND START WARMING US
Better...
Oh yeah now we're cooking
Yeah, this is the top of Africa
 It felt damn good.  We were standing at the highest point in Africa.  But the moment was all too brief.  We were on our way back down to base camp before long, lest we freeze up there (there have been lamer ways of dying).  Luckily, we were walking East, so we saw some amazing views of the rising Sun's light hitting the glaciers.  On our way back down we passed a girl puking and another being led down by a guide.  The altitude is seriously not to be fucked with.  19,300 ft will wreck some people.
The way down, much like the way up, was all skree and loose rocks, but it sucked WAY more on the way down.  My feet were on fire.  But we made it back to camp without incident, somehow.
Now it is 8am and I am going to take a nap.  At 10:30 we nom some food and then head down another 6,000 ft in altitude to our final campsite.  I am le tired.

After nappy times and nomming times, we continued our descent down the mountain.  I used my trekking poles so that my knees wouldn't explode as we descended another 6,000 ft to our last camp at 9,000ish ft.  Good thing, too, because my knees are feeling a lot better than they could have been.
What an insane day.  Started at midnight at fuck degrees Fahrenheit and ended the hike in a t-shirt, in the rainforest, breathing like it were sea level.  We'll just hang out here for the remainder of the day, and tomorrow we hike down another 2,000 ft to get picked up and returned to Moshi.

Sunday 12/16/2012
We woke up early, had a quick breakfast, and then were on our way down to the trailhead by 7:30am.  It as a short downhill, not too exciting, except we saw three monkeys!  Black and white Conibos (sp?).  They were too far away for a decent picture, but it was cool to see them eating up in the trees.
At the final checkout we were swarmed with people trying to peddle their wares.  Swarmed.  I bought one gift, and the moment people saw my wallet, well, game over.  They nearly attacked me.  But I didn't have much money on me, so I didn't buy much.  Which is hilarious because they keep trying to haggle upwards even after seeing that I don't have anything else.
The ride back to the hotel was relatively quick - driving through some small villages and a large coffee plantation.  At the hotel, all our stuff we locked up was safe and secure (yay!  All the shooting stars I wished on during the summit hike paid off!).  The tipping process was awkward and left a bad taste in my mouth, but most websites said it would be like that.  Oh well.  Now we're "washing" some clothes/drying our stuff in our hotel room.
We spent the remainder of the day reading outside and drinking every type of African beer that the hotel Garden Bar had.  Needless to say it became a very fun evening.  There were several short power outages during the evening.  I'm not sure why they kept occurring.  Whelp, time to retire for the evening.  Tomorrow: safari.

A few more pictures for the road:
Glaciers lit by the rising Sun

We truly were in a different world

Majestic as fuck


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

No. Fucking. Way.

This is hilariously impossible. Straight up PREPOSTEROUS. My mind has been blown to the degree in which I am tripping balls. I am tripping ALL THE BALLS. There is not a single ball left un-tripped. In order to join me on this storytelling journey of unfathomable mind-blowingidness (that's a word now btdubs), you're going to have to reference my previous post FOUND HERE.

That time where someone had farty-times while we were alone in the bathroom? Yeah, that is very much involved in another installment of "Is it possible to get fired for laughing in the bathroom at work?"

This particular story begins as I'm, once again, alone in the bathroom at work. This time I'm sitting in the stall playing games on my phone, as I am wont to do. I hear a guy walk in and go over to one of the urinals. Everything is fairly normalsauce for about 5 seconds. Then, like a recurring nightmare: he blows SEVERE ASS. He must have thought he was alone in the bathroom and decided to let one rip. And it wasn't just a "pffftttt" either. It was one of the foulest varieties of gaseous eruption that I have ever heard. The kind that make angels weep.

My immediate instinct is to laugh. Any potentially mature reaction of being shocked/appalled was completely overwhelmed by the fact that this was the funniest thing that has happened to me all day. There was nothing in the Universe that would prevent me from having a lol session, try as I might. So I laughed. I failed miserably at my attempt to stifle it. It was a full-on 2 to 3 second chuckle-fest. My first thought was "holy shit, that was funny, but WTF! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AGAIN???" Luckily, I was behind closed doors, and thus would be able to avoid any face-to-face awkwardness that would most definitely occur. The thing is, now I had to wait for him to finish and leave the bathroom before I got out of the stall. Whatever, another round of Angry Birds never killed anyone. So I waited until I heard him flush, and then gave him some buffer time to wash his hands and walk out. Ok, so I was in the bathroom for a crazy long time, because he seriously took his time. He must have been drinking incredible amounts of water. So I waited. It was totally worth it, because I had just gotten away with what should have been an EXTREMELY awkward moment. Or so I thought.

I exit the bathroom stall feeling triumphant, and walk towards the sinks to wash my hands. And what do I see? The same guy who urinal-farted the last time I wanted to die from awkwardness. The same fucking guy. How is this possible? How could fate throw this situation at me? Statistically this is either impossible, or this guy farts EVERY TIME he goes to the urinal. What the hell dude? Are you on a diet purely made up of baked beans and Chipotle? I don't know how I survived the next few moments. Everything I've come to understand about how the world works tells me that I should have immediately died. My HOPE is that I tried to play it cool, but in reality who knows. I kind of blacked out due to the sheer force of palpable awkwardness. He was looking at me. I can't remember what expression he had on his face, because the only thing my brain could focus on was how strange my gait must appear with all of my ass muscles simultaneously clenching under his gaze. I seriously don't even remember the rest because my brain was stroking all over the place. By the time I got to the sink area, he was gone. And so ends my second encounter with the guy that I don't know who works on my floor and farts whenever we're alone in the bathroom.

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the fact that I will eventually walk by him in the halls, please let me know. The only thing I can think of right now is to shoot myself in the face so that I can avoid that situation. UGH.

Seriously though. Hilarious fart. Top notch.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Most Awkward Incident at Work in the History of my Professional Career

I am still reeling from what I consider to be the most hilarious disaster to ever befall me at my place of business. Listen close as I regale you with a story of triumphs and miseries.

I went to the bathroom, as I often do after eating a lunch large enough that two normal sized human beings would find filling, and during this particular visit, I was alone. It is a small-ish sized bathroom, 5 stalls and 4 urinals, but usually gets a lot of traffic. Anyway, I'll skip the gruesome details, but the trip was a success. All waste was deposited in a toilet, no mishaps; I was in good shape. Despite the fact that it has been 23-ish years since I've mastered the toilet, I still celebrate the little victories.

So as I exit the stall and start washing my hands, another guy comes in. This guy doesn't work in my group, but right nearby, so I see him from time to time. We have the sort of relationship where you give the casual head nod or mumble "hey" as we pass each other in the hallway. He walks up to the urinal, staring straight ahead, and I am about 5 feet away from him, at the sink, also staring straight ahead (standard bathroom etiquette). We stand there in near silence, with only the sound of running water and soapy hands to stifle the subtle awkwardness.

Then, out of nowhere, he releases a prolific, reverberating fart that cuts through the silence like a super-heated sword through butter. I did everything in my power to stifle the unstoppable roar of laughter that would have otherwise erupted immediately. And when I say I tried, I really mean it. Sweat was coming down. I started shaking. But after a few moments of dead silence, a single snort-chuckle slipped out. Oh my god. What had I done? In that instant, he and I were linked on so many levels. We didn't DARE look at each other, but in that moment we could see into each other's souls. It was surreal. The awkwardness was almost PALPABLE. We could taste each other's fear.

Without hesitation, I turned off the water and fast-walked out of there without looking back. I didn't even finish washing my hands; they were still coated with soapy water. The moment I got out of this bathroom, or as I will forevermore refer to as the "prison of awkwardness," I burst out laughing. I'm sure he heard me as the door was closing, I'm absolutely positive, but I literally couldn't hold it back any longer. With dripping hands, I rofl'd all the way back to my desk.

I am really dreading seeing him in the hallway again, because we both know that this situation has forever changed the dynamics of our "head-nod" relationship. I'm going to have to start working weird hours or something so I can avoid these encounters when I arrive or leave work.