Most Awkward Incident at Work in the History of my Professional Career

I am still reeling from what I consider to be the most hilarious disaster to ever befall me at my place of business. Listen close as I regale you with a story of triumphs and miseries.

I went to the bathroom, as I often do after eating a lunch large enough that two normal sized human beings would find filling, and during this particular visit, I was alone. It is a small-ish sized bathroom, 5 stalls and 4 urinals, but usually gets a lot of traffic. Anyway, I'll skip the gruesome details, but the trip was a success. All waste was deposited in a toilet, no mishaps; I was in good shape. Despite the fact that it has been 23-ish years since I've mastered the toilet, I still celebrate the little victories.

So as I exit the stall and start washing my hands, another guy comes in. This guy doesn't work in my group, but right nearby, so I see him from time to time. We have the sort of relationship where you give the casual head nod or mumble "hey" as we pass each other in the hallway. He walks up to the urinal, staring straight ahead, and I am about 5 feet away from him, at the sink, also staring straight ahead (standard bathroom etiquette). We stand there in near silence, with only the sound of running water and soapy hands to stifle the subtle awkwardness.

Then, out of nowhere, he releases a prolific, reverberating fart that cuts through the silence like a super-heated sword through butter. I did everything in my power to stifle the unstoppable roar of laughter that would have otherwise erupted immediately. And when I say I tried, I really mean it. Sweat was coming down. I started shaking. But after a few moments of dead silence, a single snort-chuckle slipped out. Oh my god. What had I done? In that instant, he and I were linked on so many levels. We didn't DARE look at each other, but in that moment we could see into each other's souls. It was surreal. The awkwardness was almost PALPABLE. We could taste each other's fear.

Without hesitation, I turned off the water and fast-walked out of there without looking back. I didn't even finish washing my hands; they were still coated with soapy water. The moment I got out of this bathroom, or as I will forevermore refer to as the "prison of awkwardness," I burst out laughing. I'm sure he heard me as the door was closing, I'm absolutely positive, but I literally couldn't hold it back any longer. With dripping hands, I rofl'd all the way back to my desk.

I am really dreading seeing him in the hallway again, because we both know that this situation has forever changed the dynamics of our "head-nod" relationship. I'm going to have to start working weird hours or something so I can avoid these encounters when I arrive or leave work.

Partial Road Trip with Joe and Rebecca

I will transcribe my road trip journal once again in an attempt to document some of my crazy adventures. And this road trip had some motherfucking crazy adventures. Pictures and videos can be found here. I'll dive right in:

9/8/2010

And so it begins. When Joe told me that he and Rebecca were road tripping across the country (Boston - San Francisco, similar to mine last year) and invited me for part of it, I was ecstatic. Re-live some of the greatest experiences of my life, not alone this time? Yes please. Sign me up.

My day started by going to work. Not a regular work day, mind you: Cedardale. My company rents out a corporate outing location for the day for some food and fun activites. So Jacobs picked me up (I had my car parked about 7 blocks away so it would be ok for the multiple street cleaning days that I would be gone for). We arrived, and I played beach volleyball for almost the entire day. Oh, and mini-golf and swimming. It sounds like I have it good, but really this is just my company's way of saying "sorry we douched you over by taking away your health care; hopefully a paid 'fun' day makes up for it."

Anyway, Jacobs drove me to the airport right afterward (what a guy!), where I caught my flight to Denver. Joe, Rebecca, and Joe's friend Josh picked me up and we drove into the city. We got some dinner at a cool restaurant, and in typical Colorado fashion, they had some delicious microbrew beer.

Denver, although I didn't really have a chance to see much of it, seems like a really cool, clean, fun city. I've said it before; I wouldn't mind retiring in CO. But yeah, that two hour time zone thing is hitting me, and we didn't get back till late, so I'm taking a shower (my last one for 4 days!) and going to bed.

9/9/2010

I'm sitting here writing this entry by flashlight and firelight. Our dinner is cooking on the fire (baked beans and Indian food - perfect combination perhaps? Or toxic recipe for gaseousness?) while Joe and Rebecca are setting up their tent. I, as I have recently been wont to do, am opting to go sans tent so I can sleep under the stars, and it promises to be an epic night sky.

Today has been friggn incredible. Like hands down one of the best days in the realm of possibility. We woke up at Josh's place around 6am and left Denver just as the Sun was starting to come up. We then proceeded to drive through the Rockies during sunrise, while Rebecca gasped with awe at every single turn we made. I forgot how much fun it was to drive through the Rockies. And now that I was a passenger rather than a driver, I could take pictures in a much safer capacity. We got to Vail, and I took over driving. Joe showed me a bit of how to drive manual a couple weeks ago, so I did alright. Minimal stalling out, and I did fairly well at shifting gears. Until I got to Moab, UT. I really dropped the ball there, but whatever, we survived. Sorry Joe.

We grabbed lunch and some microbrews at "Eddie McStiff's" (classy name, right?). It was clear that our waiter had no idea what was going on by any definition of the phrase. How he manages how to figure out how to do simple tasks like brushing his teeth is beyond me.

So eventually we made our way into Arches National Park. Now I remember why I love this place so damn much. You cannot take a bad picture here. It is too beautiful. We drove to a bunch of lookouts and went frolicking. Or scampering. Basically just tearing around like 8-year-olds. So much fun. We saw most of what I saw last year and more. The parking lot to hike up to Delicate Arch was full, so we opted to save it for sunrise tomorrow. We went to see Landscape Arch and a shitload of others for sunset instead. (I'm not sure why this word processor doesn't have "shitload" in its dictionary. Seems pretty common to me.)

We basically trailblazed really high, steep, suicidal-looking ridges, traversing the windiest and most deadly paths I've ever imagined. And I imagine some ridiculous shit. But we found an awesome area with no one else around to frolick/leap-and-almost-die. The wind was so nuts that it could pretty much hold you up while peering over the ledges. I peed over the edge (upwind of course), and it was hilarious. The pee went everywhere after a few feet of stream. Oh yeah, did I mention I was on top of the highest peak in the area? Awesome.

After that, we then ran around like maniacs from awesome view to awesome view. We found an incredible 360 panoramic view of the entire valley/mountain area at sunset. It was literally the greatest view I've seen to date. Even better than Delicate Arch last year. SO EPIC. Fuck.

Seriously. WTF. So awesome.

But we decided to sprint back down the trail before it got too dark, seeing insane colors in the sky and in the background of the landscape. Landscape Arch was cool because it spans such a huge length, but it didn't compare to the sunset that we had just seen. Holy fucking shitballs. So intense. Kind of like a double rainbow.

And now I'm about to nom some baked beans out of a frisbee, so... I'm done writing.

9/10/2010

For those of you who thought the road trip couldn't get any better than yesterday, including my past self, you are sorely mistaken. I am once again waiting for food to cook over our fire pit (this time with delicious Utah beer) after another epic day.

It started off cold and dark as we packed up the car. We wanted to do the Delicate Arch hike to see the arch at sunrise. The hike itself wasn't as arduous as last year because I wasn't in direct, brutal sunlight the entire hike up. We actually managed to get to the top before the Sun came up, and the view was as amazing as I remember it. It was made better because we were the only ones up there to see the arch at sunrise. It was amazing, competing with our sunset view from last night. Less pants-crapping, but same awesomeness. (I didn't actually crap my pants you guys, don't worry).

Holy shit my fingernails are so dirty. I need a shower for sure. I think our campsite in Zion might have showers? Cool. But I digress.

From Arches we snagged some breakfast (blueberry crepe) and gas in Moab and then headed onto the scenic Utah drive to Bryce Canyon National Park. The scenic route was totally worth it. The Utah Rt. 12 is easily the best drive ever. Even better than the CA Rt. 1. We first drove through part of Capitol Reef National Park: a pleasant surprise for sure. We took some cool pictures and took a dip in the small river by the side of the road. It was a lot of fun, really refreshing, and pretty impressive that we stripped to our underwear, forded a river, and played a mini frisbee game.

Hilarious

We then proceeded to Dixie National Forrest, where a mountain sprang up out of friggn nowhere and an amazing crazy green wooded area popped up. I started driving, and immediately the road became an insane, windy, mountain roller coaster ride and was super awesome to speed down. I've never had so much fun driving. I was shifting gears, making 180 degree bank turns at 60 mph along curving cliffs; it was nuts. NUTS I tell you. I have some videos we took of the crazy driving in this folder near the bottom I think. We got out at a few scenic overlooks to romp around for a bit, but continued on our way.

We then drove through part of the Escalante Grand Staircase National Monument (seriously, Rt. 12 is awesome. I even started a manual car IN REVERSE, UP A HILL. I rocked it out. I was so impressed). We drove through, saw some stuff, it was cool, whatever.

Anywho, we get to Bryce Canyon National Park and immediately see some Hoodoos. Hoodoos are some crazy-pillar rock formations native to Bryce. And they have hilarious names. Joe and I annoyed the CRAP out of Rebecca by saying it in every sentence for no reason at all. It was great. So we parked at Sunrise Point and hiked the Queen's Garden hike. It was a short 3 mile hike down into the Canyon amongst the Hoodoos. HOODOO! Joe and I came up with so many great hoodoo related songs, to the dismay of Rebecca. But the hike was so unique and incredible. I was a fan.

After the hike we hit a few more overlooks including Sunset, Bryce, and Inspiration Point. We saw the crazy shadows from so many angles that it blew my mind. We saw sunset from Inspiration Point, and seriously words cannot describe how amazing the view was. Photos do not do it any justice. It was just bad-ass.

Hoodoos!

I'm going to bed down, sans-tent again, after dinner. Hopefully the stars will be as awesome tonight as they were last night. They were crazy you guys. You could see billions and billions.

9/11/2010

Ok, so we just burned Rebecca's sneakers trying to dry them off by the fire. But besides that, it has been a pretty sweet day. If I had to choose a word to describe today, it would be (in honor of Bryce Canyon) Hoodoo-rific. That is a positive adjective by the way.

It seems so long ago, but we started the day in Bryce. We got up in the freezing cold, dark, frigid morning a little later than expected, around 6:15am. It was fine though, everything turned out pretty cool; we didn't miss sunrise. Joe and Rebecca decided to take the tent down when it was warmer, and I, without a tent, was eager to see an awesome sunrise, so we started off on the 18-mile drive to the last viewpoint: Rainbow Point. Similar to Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park, this drive was mostly a bunch of viewing points you stop at along the drive to look into the canyon. They were really incredible (meaning: a lot of Hoodoo), and we managed to catch sunrise at an awesome spot.

We drove back to Sunrise Point (or Sunset, whatever, they were pretty much the same, it doesn't matter). We then packed up and said our goodbyes to Bryce. After a really short drive, less than 2 hours, we were already at Zion National Park.

The drive into the park was a little annoying because they were doing some construction and parts were one-way, but it was definitely amazing. There were some crazy checkerboard mesa rock formations, a mile-long tunnel through a goddamn mountain, and then a shitload of switchbacks into the Zion Canyon. (By the way, Zion Canyon is a delicious beer brewed in the local town right outside Zion. I'm currently drinking it). The park itself was pretty crowded, but most people park at the Visitor's Center and take the shuttle buses throughout the east side of the park. In fact, that's what all people do, because personal cars aren't allowed after a certain point. It really helps reduce the amount of retards driving around the park.

Pause for game of 3-Person Hearts

Result: Joe - 26, Sevs - 31, Rebecca - infinity

Rebecca didn't do so well.

Well, I passed out and am on my flight home from Vegas right now, but I'll continue. We took the shuttle to the last stop, the Temple of Sinawava. We hiked from there up a short trail along the Virgin River to the end, where we started hiking IN the river. This river went through the Narrows: a thin river path with huge walls on both sides. It was seriously awesome through there. I'm pretty happy my boots held up, because that could have been a disastrous hike otherwise.

At some places the river came up to my waist. It was unbelievably awesome. We came across a big boulder (that we obviously climbed for no reason) with a smooth side, so Joe and I did some mini-watersliding. After a while we turned back, but were pretty sad to do so.

We checked out a couple more steps to look at some amazingly huge cliffs and to grab a burger to hold us over till dinner. Our next step was to take a hike to the Emerald Pools. Relative to the park, they were only so-so, but in real life they were pretty great. I think at this point I was fairly jaded from seeing basically the coolest things on the planet. As usual, Joe and I climbed around on some rocks for absolutely no reason while Rebecca relaxed, enjoying life.

After some more hiking, we grabbed some delicious ice cream, fajitas, and Zion beer in the nearby town. We made a fire to drive our socks and boots (unfortunately burning the shit out of Rebecca's sneakers, as previously mentioned), and then went to sleep. Our campsite was just outside the park right next to the river, so we had the sound of rushing water to fall asleep to while we all slept under the stars. Seriously, the night sky is friggn amazing out west. Apparently a huge tree branch broke and fell right next to us in the middle of the night, but since I reach coma levels of deep sleep, I remained completely and blissfully unaware.

9/12/2010

I think my watch battery is dying, because it didn't go off when we wanted it to, and therefore got off to a late start. We wanted to hike Angel's Landing trail, a really intense hike, to see sunrise, but everything worked out fine regardless. The hike was pretty strenuous, but fairly short. The last half mile was completely insane. Like "holy crap has anyone actually survived this before?" levels of insanity. Both sides were shear cliffs, so even the slightest miss-step would be semi-fatal. Or very fatal, since we were 1500 feet up. We had to use hands to climb and chains at most parts. It was definitely not for anyone afraid of heights. I have no idea how I am insane enough to lack any fear of heights, but it worked out for me here. We got to the top for what I can only assume is the best 360 view ever imagined in all dimensions and timelines.

Needless to say we took some great pictures.

I sat on a few cliff edges with my feet dangling down, as I am wont to do, and it was so extreme that it got my adrenaline going like crazy.

I managed to pee on the top, which by law dictates that I am now the owner of that trail. The way down was still pretty extreme, because you had to look down the entire time. Looking down those cliffs on either side of you is seriously intense. Rebecca, who we convinced to go up the whole way to the top of the trail, had some shoe issues, so she heroically hiked down the entire mountain in socks. We saw a vulture, or Condor, or some damn big bird along the way (well, we had to trailblaze and rock climb to get to it, but we saw it).

We climbed that. We are goddamn champions.

This day was so ridiculous because after we did this incredible hike, we left Zion, ate In N' Out Burgers (yum!!), and drove to Las Vegas. Within hours of hiking an insane mountain, I was full of delectable burgers and relaxing in a hot tub.

We grabbed some drinks at the pool bar (where I saw the Eagles lose, which seriously blows) and then went out to buy some alcs for the room. Did I mention that we had a suite at the Venetian? Because that part is pretty important. We were pretty baller. We cleaned up (first shower in four days! Yes!) and dressed in our fancy clothes to go hit the town.

If my current headache is any indication, we had an unbelievable time last night. We saw the Bellagio water fountain show, hit some casinos, and had an all around amazing time. I knew I was doing pretty well in Roulette and Black Jack, but I was certainly surprised to see a $100 bill in my wallet when I paid for my cab this morning. To be fair, I only made about $70 or so, but still. Awesome.

The flight at 7am this morning is certainly destroying my will to live, but what can you do. Awesome road trip. So much fun.

Wow. I can't believe I didn't voms on the plane.