I just got back from an incredible weekend in Vermont. An army of friends went up to the New English state of mountains and forests to ski, drink beer, and chill out to the maximum possible levels. Mission Accomplished. The skiing conditions were superb and the area surrounding Stratton Mountain was beyond beautiful. I don't remember it, but apparently I had described the scene as "having blue balls due to the immense Earth porn that I was witnessing." And also there was a sauna. I can't describe with words the feeling of going to a balls-sweatingly hot sauna and immediately running outside into the frigid, snow-covered environment, so I'll have to describe it in a feeling. You know all those REALLY weird gum commercials? Yeah, it's like all of those put together. Great stuff. On the drive back we played MapQuest, which is a fun way of lackadaisically traveling to your destination: each person in the car gets one location that they can choose for a stop along the way. For example, we ended up going to a brew pub in Vermont, a disco bowling alley, a closed sculpture park, and a delicious pulled pork infested country store. Quite an interesting way to end the weekend.
[Transition sentence]. Enjoying Vermont in all it's Vermonty glory got me to thinking about how people travel, or at least how I travel in particular. I [we] tend to judge locations based on our only experience with the place, and it won't necessarily be a great representation of the experience as a whole (in fact, it is a horrible, horrible way to judge a place), but it at least gives you a sense of what that place can offer. FOR NO REASON I decided to create a ranking system for U.S. states based on my previous experience. Kind of unfair, because I've lived in some of them for several years, whereas I've merely driven through some in a few short hours. But seeing as how I'm as close to omnipotence as one can get, I think it's safe to say that my rash and unfair opinions can be described as nothing short of pure truth. Enjoy:
1. California – I'll be the first to admit that this is a little unfair since
California is the third biggest state in the country and has about
every conceivable activity readily available. I lived there for
four months in the worst part
of the state and still loved my life more than I realized I could.
It's got 8 national parks, some incredible cities, and the weather is
just... it's not fair. Yosemite, Death Valley, Sequoia, Joshua Tree, Muir
Woods... are you kidding me? Home to Mt. Whitney, the tallest mountain in
the contiguous 48 states. Route 1: perhaps the greatest road to drive on
for non-hovercars. San Diego, where the weather is never less than
perfect every day of the year. San Francisco is literally built out of
the greatest particles in the Universe. There are also In N' Out
restaurants ALL OVER THE PLACE.
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| Half Dome is pretty great |
2. Pennsylvania – I’ve lived there my entire life while
growing up. If it is creating such a
fine specimen of human being such as me, I don’t think I really need to explain
any further. But if I must, it is the
home of Philadelphia (birthplace of freedom and home to the greatest sports
team in the history of sports, the Eagles), and to a lesser extent Pittsburgh (I
haven’t been, but I have to assume it’s not as bad as I’ve been trained to
believe). There are also rolling fields
and forests and mountains to such a caliber that only a select, elite group of
people can even wrap their brains around it’s uncontained awesomeness. And Wawa.
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| Landscapes, man |
3. Massachusetts
– contains Boston, which truly is an amazing city. I don’t really think the rest of the state is
anything impressive, but Boston more than pulls it’s weight here. Cape Cod is also nice.
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| Boston, you're alright |
4. Utah
– harbors 5 national parks, most of which have blown my mind on several
occasions from sheer beauty. Also,
Mormons are legitimately nice people.
And out-of-context their religion is really entertaining.
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| The first time I saw this I was in awe to the point of forgetting to breathe |
5. Washington
– Seattle is such a cool city, and Mt. Rainier is an impressive piece of
mountain. It also has Olympic National
Park, which is a surprisingly large an eclectic park, as well as North Cascades
National Park, which I’ve never been but it seems awesome. Washington is seriously great.
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| Seattle, you are killing it right now |
6. Colorado
– THE ROCKIES ARE INSANE. I’ve only been
there in the summer and it’s incredible.
Imagine it in the winter! (if you like to ski) In addition to Black Canyon of the Gunnison
National Park, which is gorgeous, it has three other national parks and
beautiful forests all over the state.
Plus Denver and Boulder are really fun cities. Especially if you enjoy beer. Which you should.
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| Now imagine this photograph except with a camera that DOESN'T suck |
7. Maine
– If nothing more than the fact that this is where Kyle comes from, Maine is a
fantastic and magical place. Acadia
National Park: you’re going to have fun, deal with it. Katahdin: one of the best hikes I’ve ever
done. Portland is made from the magic
from fairies and unicorns. Maine has
more breweries than residents.
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| Katahdin just looks like somebody photoshopped real life. |
8. New
Hampshire – this state holds a dear place in my heart. The White Mountains are just an impressive
region of New England with great hiking and beautiful views. Lake Winnipesaukee is a quaint-as-fuck lake
that my family spent a lot of time at building memories and probably learning
life lessons and stuff.
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| Mt. Washington being majestic as fuck |
9. Florida
– imagine watching a space shuttle taking off from Cape Kennedy to LEAVE OUR
PLANET from the nicest beach imaginable.
I feel like that scenario is sufficient reason for this being a top 10
state, but if more is needed, then there’s also Disney World, Universal
studios, alligators, the Everglades, and the Florida Keys. I have literally not had a single bad memory
experiencing any of those things.
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| I guess I don't have many photos of Florida, but hey, we caught a Barracuda! |
10. New York – the Adirondacks are really
impressive. They contend with the White
Mountains in beauty except they take up like 20 times the area. And New York City is a fun place to
visit. I have a feeling living there
would be a pain in the ass (or wallet), but I always have fun when I’m
there. There’s also Niagara Falls and
Lake Champlain. And who could discount
SARATOGA. BEST PLACE EVER AMIRITE?
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| Just a couple of Brooklyners heading into the big city |
11. Vermont – Vermonters hate New Hampshirites
and vice versa. I find this hilarious,
because physically it’s the same damn thing.
The Green Mountains are just as pretty, in a greener, more rolling-hills
kind of way, while the White Mountains are more jagged and badass looking. Vermont has Lake Champlain to compete with
Winnipesaukee. The climate is basically
the same. The only real difference is
that New Hampshire has the state slogan “Live Free or Die,” and every resident
absolutely LIVES that mentality. And I
love a state with that attitude. You’ve
got dudes with no shirts or helmets flying down a beautiful forest road on a
motorcycle not giving a single fuck, and that is awesome. Vermont needs to catch up.
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| Nah, I'm kidding. Vermont is cool. |
12. Illinois – Chicago is a great city. Now it’s a great city with a dog named
Beckett living in it.
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| Chicago has some futuristic views on mirrors |
13. Oregon – Portland is a fun… WEIRD…
place. And there are microbreweries at
every street corner. And the entire
state is covered in beautiful evergreens and there are wind turbines, really there’s
not much to be unhappy about in Oregon.
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| Portland, OR summed up |
14. New Mexico – New Mexico has a lot of great
natural beauty. It’s got that
southwestern U.S. feel, but with seasons. And Carlsbad Caverns will make you lose your
mind.
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| That is from a while ago. I forgot how awesome New Mexico was. |
15. Wyoming – Yellowstone and the Grand
Tetons. More Earth porn than your brain
is capable of dealing with in such a short amount of time. Old Faithful and Grizzly Bears should be
enough to secure this loft ranking.
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| One might say that these Tetons are... Grand? |
16. Arizona – Phoenix is an ok city. I really can’t complain about it. And what’s that other thing? Oh yeah: the Grand fucking Canyon. Not to be trifled with.
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| hahahah wut |
17. Rhode Island – if nothing else it’s got
great seafood, and that goes a long way in my book. Providence is a really cool city too.
18. Texas – Up-side: San Antonio is
awesome. Down-side: you might eat the
spiciest burger in the world and almost die.
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| Remember it |
19. Ohio - Jordan
20. Kentucky – this shouldn’t count, but I
really like the Kentucky side of Cincinnati.
It’s the only place in Kentucky I’ve been to, and really should be
considered as Cincinnati Jr., but state lines are state lines. This place has a great beer hall and a
surprisingly awesome aquarium, and that’s enough for me.
21. Louisiana – New Orleans, well, the French
Quarter of New Orleans, is gorgeous. I
never strayed passed that area, and therefore didn’t experience anything
besides the utter majesty of that area of the city, so my opinion might be a
bit biased. But come on: Bourbon Street.
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| It's not Disney World |
22. Maryland – ended up on the unfortunate
side of the Mason-Dixon line, but ignoring that fact, Maryland is somewhat
similar to Pennsylvania. And have you had
Maryland Crabs? No? Stop what you’re doing right now and go eat
one. And Wawa.
23. Virginia – it’s not the deep south, but it’s
not the north. That’s not necessarily
good or bad, but it’s something. I had a
good time in Virginia Beach and Shenandoah, so what the hey. Solid middle-of-the-road state.
24. Georgia – at this point you’re
definitely in the south. People are
friendly but talk slowly. Savannah is pretty great, but I doubt it really do a good job representing
the entire state.
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| Weird. I don't remember it NOT raining while I was in Savannah |
25. Nevada – Lake Tahoe is shared between CA
and Nevada, and Lake Tahoe is gorgeous.
There’s an enormous space in the middle, and then Vegas in the
south. Vegas isn’t the greatest place in
the world, but you’re going to have
fun in Vegas.
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| So much light |
26. Montana – Yellowstone sneaks into Montana. This is the only part of Montana I’ve been
to. I enjoy Yellowstone.
27. Connecticut – um… there’s a cool lake that
my friend’s grandparents live at. Otherwise
it’s just a long portion of the drive from Boston to Philly.
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| That cabin WAS pretty fun though... |
28. North Carolina – Kitty Hawk and the Outer
Banks should be enough to make this an appealing state. I have, however, never met a North Carolinian
with whom I’ve had an enjoyable, intelligent conversation.
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| Kitty Hawk is obviously an awesome place |
29. Idaho – potatos. And the world’s first nuclear power testing
facility. AND a historical lava flow
region. Not a bad place, but not really
that much else going on.
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| Just having some fun on Lava rocks |
30. South Carolina – not bad. But the stifling humidity is
more than enough of a reason for my first impression of South Carolina to be “are we
in Florida yet?”
31. Missouri – St. Louis and Kansas City are
cool places to visit, but I don’t know if I would want to live there. Mostly because half the people who “live”
there don’t actually own homes.
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| This would be such a cool city if it were, you know... safe |
32. West Virginia – It’s close to Shenandoah,
and Shenandoah is a pretty cool place.
That’s all I know about West Virginia other than the fact that they made
a good decision to break off from actual Virginia when Virginia started making
poor choices in the 1860’s.
33. Michigan – I drove from Ontario to
Chicago, with a large portion of the drive being through Michigan. The only thing of note in Michigan was that
my car had the highest gas mileage that I have ever recorded.
34. Delaware – please. Pennsylvania doesn’t need a sidekick.
35. Indiana – so I drove through Gary to get
to Chicago. Yeah… not so pumped about
Gary.
36. Kansas – I drove across this state for 8
hours and nothing happened except that I got angry that nothing was happening.
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| The whole state |
37. New Jersey – I’ll describe this state with
an anecdote. I once drove through
Camden, past a highschool football field.
The football field had a chain-link fence down the 50 yard line. And the surface of this field was entirely
covered with garbage. This is New
Jersey.
38. Alabama – I drove through the bottom
portion of Alabama. And from those 45
minutes of driving I could tell that this would be the most amount of time I
ever want to spend in that state. At least
Jersey has the shore, which isn’t SO bad…
39. Mississippi – even worse than Alabama.
The following states are unranked because I haven’t been there
yet. But I’ve got high hopes (except for
Nebraska. I’ve got no expectations): Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Iowa, Wisconsin,
Minnesota, North Dakota, South Dakota, Alaska, Hawaii
