Halloween in Orange County

Weekend of Oct. 31, 2009

San Clemente, CA

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One of the many advantages of being cool like me is that you don't get eaten by cannibals. Well... that, and the fact that Hogan and I were given the opportunity to live on an Aircraft Carrier for a week. Not many people get to do something like that, not unless you join the Navy at least. The carrier we would be staying on was the USS Truman, which would leave port from Norfolk, VA. So we literally got paid to drive down to LA, fly out to Virginia, and learn all we can about jet engines/engine testing/pilot maneuvers/whatever on an AIRCRAFT CARRIER, and then come back to resume our regular jobs at the base in California. I... am... ok with this.
We got our tickets for the east coast for Nov. 1, which means we had an extra day to spend. We decided to visit our friend Nick, also an EEDP with an assignment in CA. He lived in San Clemente, in Orange County, just south of LA. That's right. We spent Halloween in beautiful Orange County. I am jealous of my past self.

Perfect weather and 72 degrees? ALL the time? COME ON, BOSTON, AT LEAST TRY TO COMPETE

Hogan and I drove down after work Friday, had some In N' Out (obviously), and basically just went to bed once we got to Nick's place. Fairly uneventful, except that I think we watched a bunch of Always Sunny that night. Good times. The next morning we got up and strolled down to the beach. It was a perfect day and I was boogie boarding in the Pacific Ocean on Halloween. I honestly thought that I would die before I ever uttered such a phrase. But no. That is a real thing.

This is the first time I have ever built a sandcastle on Halloween. It is also the first time I had built a sandcastle since I was 12. (We ended up hurling rocks at it until it was destroyed, so no worries)

Then we got some lunch somewhere along the beach and drove around the Pacific Coast Highway for a bit, checking out Laguna Beach, Huntington Beach, and some other gorgeous, quintessential Golden Coast locations. When we got back to Nick's place, it was time to get serious about Halloween. Deathly serious. For starters, we all bought fake mustaches. You KNOW we're serious when we start buying fake mustaches. We also had pizza. Not really part of the Halloween costume process, but it is still very important. But Nick went as... I'm not quite sure what, but it included a fake mustache and an unbuttoned shirt, so it counts. Hogan was Buster Bluthe from Arrested Development. And I was trying out my Greenman costume for the first time...

There was a lot of ridiculous Greenman dancing

I immediately noticed how difficult bathroom excursions were in this suit. Also, Hogan had to hold my wallet and shit because there are no pockets. ALSO, eating a burger is a messy endeavor. Even taking the hood down, my hands got all kinds of gross. But it was totally worth it. Greenman was the hit at the first bar we went to. In fact, I actually came in second place in a costume contest that I DIDN'T EVEN ENTER. There was a pub crawl costume contest going on, and the bar we happened to be at was the last segment. They were about to send the contestants around to be judged when the bar chanted for me to get into the contest as well. So hell yeah, I got up and started air punching and Greenman dancing all over the place. You know, really making a fool of myself. It was great. The judge said that the only reason I didn't come in first was because he would have felt bad giving it to someone who didn't pay to join the contest. So... I didn't win a surf board that night. But oh man, what a great night. I got fake arrested by a bunch of ladies wearing cop costumes and we had a pretty fantastic time at a few other bars.

Buster never had a mustache, but you can't blame Hogan for wanting to wear a fake mustache, now can you?!

The punchline of the story is that at some point during the night Hogan and I both turned our alarms off. Either that or we slept right through them. Luckily Nick woke us up in time for us to book it to LAX to catch our flights for the east coast. Oh man, that could have turned out poorly.

Davies's Birthday in Las Vegas

Weekend of Oct. 26, 2009

Las Vegas

(I don't remember some of this!)

One of the other guys in our program also out in CA, Andrew Davies, decided to bookt a suite at the Bellagio in Vegas for his birthday and invite all of us out for an X-TREME VEGAS WEEKEND. Those of us working at different bases in CA all converged to his place west of LA before heading out to Vegas the next day for some baller-as-fuck Vegas adventures.
The plans for this epic weekend actually started a few weeks before, where Ryan came up with the brilliant plan to throw Davies a Vegas-inspired fake bachelor party. This included shirts with individualized quotes like "sorry ladies, I'm taken" for Davies, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except herpes, that shit comes back," for Ryan, and "I'm a philanthropist" for me (reference Always Sunny in Philadelphia where Charlie can't say the word correctly and instead spits out "I'm a full-on rapist"). Ryan, Eddie, and some others literally stayed awake all night BUYING A PRINTER, printing these iron-on images for the shirts, and actually making them in secret to keep it a surprise. They came out great.

Damn these shirts look goooood

So here's an overview of most of the day Saturday: ate a breakfast which included several different kinds of meat. It was... shall we say... ripe for innuendos? We then drove out to Vegas and checked into the suite at the Bellagio. We had to walk by a giant fountain of liquid-chocolate. So... that's a thing. Then we went swimming for a bit, had some road-beers, and sat down at an enormous buffet where I stuffed my face until people started getting bored because I was eating for so long, so we left. That's when the real fun started.
Back in the suite we surprised Davies with the "bachelor party" t-shirts and started working on a backstory we would tell anyone who asked about it. His "bride-to-be" was named "Crindy" and was a hand-model. She was also 6'1", but to be fair this was a bit I had to make up on the spot when someone asked us about her:
Random guy: "how tall is his fiance?"
Nick: "oh she's about this hi-"
Me: "she's six-one"
Random guy: "oh wow she's tall"
Me: "yeah"

But I digress. Back at the suite we were pregaming pretty hard to a little thingI like to call Horserace. You make "bets" at the beginning for the number for drinks you'll give out or take based on which suit (horse) wins the race. Spoiler alert: nobody everybody wins. Some people even started betting real money on the game. WIN COLUMN. And then it was time to hit the town...

My favorite part was when we could walk around outside drinking beer while yelling random lies about Davies getting married to a fake woman

Long story short: nobody "made" any money, but we all had a fairly ridiculous night. I think at one point some British cougars tried to get me to give them my shirt as I was playing Let It Ride. I was actually winning, which was great, and I went against every instinct and told those ladies to GTFO, because that shirt was awesome. I think our last move for the night was to hit up a convenience store for some more road-beers after we were all casino'd-out. Pretty sure I broke even that night.
The next morning (afternoon) we got up and went DIRECTLY to In N' Out for breakfast (lunch). GOD DAMNIT I LOVE THAT PLACE.
After returning to Davies's place in CA, I decided that I still had some adventure left in me, so I opted to drive to Hollywood for the evening. WHAT? Is that really what I decided to do? "Hey guys, great weekend. It's getting late and I've got work tomorrow, but hey, I think I want to check out Hollywood tonight." Yep. That's almost exactly how it panned out. So I drove to LA, saw the sunset through the INTENSE POLLUTION THAT SURROUNDS THAT NAUSEATING CITY, and walked around the Walk of Fame and Sunset Boulevard.

I think ten minutes in Hollywood is about all you really need

Before heading home (a little under four hours away), I decided to drive up to the Hollywood sign. This proved to be a dark labyrinth through an extremely opulent neighborhood, but I eventually got there (close at least; there's a limit to how close you can get). I got out of my car to walk over and take a picture. Apparently I wasn't the only person who wanted to get closer to the sign: I accidentally stumbled upon a couple having sex out in a field. "Stumbled" is almost a very accurate word, because I literally didn't see them until I almost tripped over them. My only response was "holy fuck! oh, uh..... sorry." and then sidled away. It was a really awkward type of hilarious.

Fleet Week in San Francisco

Weekend of Oct. 12, 2009

San Francisco and Monterey

(here is proof that these stories are actually true)


Most of the base had Columbus Day off, so we had a nice three-day weekend, which we used to drive up to San Francisco. Hogan was visiting one of his friends in the city, and I went and visited my friend Rebecca, one of the funnest people/fastest talkers I've ever met. She actually lived in Marin, just north of San Francisco, but we explored the city and the entire surrounding area. It was an awesome time, and I'm sure the fact that we drank wine in her outdoor jacuzzi every night didn't hurt.
Hogan and I drove up and took the BART into the city (at our manager's insistence), exploring a bit of the wharf area before nightfall.

Get out of the way seagull, you're blocking my view of the water!

Then we went our separate ways and Rebar picked me up to check out a really cool cafe for dinner. It was fairly late already, so we just hung out in the outdoor jacuzzi LIKE BALLERS for a bit before heading to bed.
The next morning, we woke up and were like "know what would be good? A nice sunny bike ride." SURPRISE JACKASS. It was cold and foggy, but whatever, we did it anyway.... or at least tried to. We went up by a really sweet lookout of the Golden Gate (would have been a bit cooler without the fog, but I GUESS I'll have to make do) and started riding down a "bike path." It turns out that after a quarter of a mile, it became a "MOUNTAIN bike path," and were we more certainly not riding mountain bikes. Long story short, Rebecca's bike chain breaks, so I have to bike back up the long hill to get her car and drive down to meet her. And it was freezing. But hey, that's of no concern, because I got a LOT warmer when the chain on MY bike broke and I had to carry the bike up the rest of the hill. We opted not to ride bikes for the remainder of my stay.

Just another thing to check off the list of "things I've peed on"

We then did a little hike... somewhere. I'm not actually sure where. But I do know it was visible from Rebecca's house and was her favorite mountain. Somewhere in the Marin area. Hey, I CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO MEMORIZE EVERY MOUNTAIN I'VE EVER CLIMBED. But it was good. AND THEN we went to Point Reyes seashore, where I went into the Pacific Ocean FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. SO PUMPED UP. It was a cool place, despite all the bird watching dickheads out there.

Lighthouses? Billions of steps? LET'S DO IT.

It was an awesome day seeing the beaches, walking around outside, I think we had some mexican food in a quaint-as-shit little nearby town where the woman didn't speak english, so I was just like "surprise me." It was good nonetheless.
When we got back for dinner: BOOM. IN N' OUT BURGER. Visits to this glorious establishment were clearly the highlights of my stay in California. I remember each one as a vivid and beautiful dream.
The rest of the night was pretty hilarious. I don't remember all the details, but it definitely included visiting the Marin brewery, having some jacuzzi wine, and eating a shitload of delicious cupcakes. That combo of things is among the highest caliber of of things you can do in a single night, and if you disagree, then shut off you computer, smash the hard drive, and cancel your internet, because you are hereby banned from visiting this interblag ever again.
Know what's great about long weekends? Just like longcat, long weekends are looooooooooong. We had another day to hang out in San Francisco! And we used it to go into the city to check out the airshow for Fleet Week.

Jet engines and crazy colored smoke and Alcatraz? I don't know about you, but these are things that I don't typically experience all at the same every day.

Airshows in general are awesome, but when you're sitting by the bay, watching jets zip around by the Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz, it's just a little bit awesomer. THAT IS A WORD NOW. We also saw the Blue Angels. I had never seen them before. I managed to shout up at the sky "hey! I design your engines!" in their general direction. But they may have been flying past Mach 1. So I'm not sure if the sound got there in time...

Great day for an airshow on the bay

We probably ended our evening in a similar manner as the previous two nights. In fact I guarantee it.
The next morning was time for me to head out, so I met up with Hogan and we were like "OH WAIT. Why don't we continue the adventure rather than waste a single moment in a state we might not return to in a while?" "GREAT IDEA BRO." So we drove down the Pacific Coast Highway (aka the greatest road EVER) to Monterey, a cool coastal town with the best aquarium in the country. We spent our day watching sea otters frolic and sharks swim and jellyfish... jelly. It really was a great aquarium.

So adorbs

I think we spent about half an hour, at least, just watching those fucking sea otters. Then we had to drive back inland to our gross valley town of Hanford. Yep, just living in CA, working on a naval air station during the week and trekking out to every cool location in California every single weekend. Wow, I can't believe that was my life for four months...

Hiking Half-Dome in Yosemite

Weekend of Sept. 27, 2009
Yosemite National Park
(These pictures will only show themselves if you are truly ready)

Our second weekend living in California, we decided to be even more awesome than we were the first weekend (if that's even possible). The seven of us spending our assignments in various parts of the state planned to converge in Yosemite to hike the illustrious Half-Dome. It was nearing the end of the season, and I think it was the last weekend that the chains were still up to scale the nearly vertical "dome" portion of the mountain all the way to the top. But first things first. We needed to partake in the greatest gift the west coast has to offer: In-N-Out Burger. As an east coaster, I really didn't want it to be as good as all my west coast friends had been blathering on about. However, it was delicious. Almost so delicious that I wasn't able to finish two double burgers, a shake, and an order of animal-style fries because I was just so stoked from all the amazing flavors my taste buds were experiencing. Almost. I'm fully on board with In-N-Out.

It tastes like cupcakes, mixed with little pieces of heaven, blended into a smoothie, and then injected directly into your eyeballs. That's a viable flavor, right? I'm going to order that one the next time I go for ice cream.

Now that I had finally experienced the objective excellence that is In-N-Out Burger, we drove into the park and luckily found an open campsite. We set tents up, but I'm pretty sure nobody slept in them. We all went to sleep under the stars, because just like in Sequoia, they were RIDICULOUS.
The next morning we went over to the Half-Dome trailhead a little before dawn (because, let's be honest: sleep is for suckers) and started hiking what I now rank in my top 5 hardest hikes. But holy crap was it worth it. The hike itself was fairly strenuous: a SHITLOAD of uphills, and I think the hike is something like 14 miles round trip. Not the most intense, but for the elevation change it's balls-sweatingly arduous.

The most difficult part of the hike was walking in the right direction, because everything around us was gorgeous and we were all "I WANT TO GO TO THERE"

There were some waterfalls that looked like they were in Lord of the Rings, and about a billion switchbacks all the way up, some of which were incredibly steep, to the point where I was like "I should probably not lean back very far..." BUT THEN: we got to the base of the dome-portion of the mountain (please, let's try to be mature here). Here, you use the chain railings to hike up the extremely steep, hazardously smooth side of the wall. Unless you don't wake up at fuck o'clock in the morning, in which case your afternoon will be spent waiting in line. No joke: when we went back down, the wait to go up was something like three hours. GOOD LUCK MAKING IT DOWN BEFORE DARK.

Yes. It is exactly THIS awesome.

There's a pile of discarded gloves at the bottom, so we grabbed some of those and trucked our way up. Oh, a 360 degree view of pure awesomeness? Hello. And at the top, holy crap. There was a part of the stone that jutted out about four feet, with NOTHING UNDERNEATH except the ground, about 2000 feet below. I'm not afraid of heights, but this was terrifying even for me. So I used that adrenaline to do something objectively stupid...

Sometimes I question how I haven't been naturally selected yet

I managed to not pee my pants, so I'm calling that a win. Then we hung around, chucked some rocks, freaked out about how beautiful everything was. You know, the usual. Heading back down was a bit of a challenge, because gravity, in all it's smugness, wanted us to just careen down the side of the mountain. Luckily, we were not among the few people who died on Half-Dome.

I wanna go again

Given a lifetime of knee injuries, I'm actually a bit confused why I decided to literally run down the entire mountain. But I did. And by the time we got down to the Lord of the Rings waterfall pool, we were hot and exhausted, and that water looked SO GOOD. So we dunked our heads in, which was great, and then finished the hike like goddamn champions.
If you're wondering what a group of gentlemen do after having just climbed the most awesome mountain in Yosemite, the answer is quite simple: drink our faces off. And eat ALL the food. Man, camping is great. Except the part where the sausage wasn't cooked all the way and me and Nick got up in the middle of the night to voms the entire contents of our stomachs out. That part isn't great. But all the other stuff is.
The next day we took it somewhat easy because all of our knees were exploding. We saw a few cool views, nothing fancy.

American Heros

So yeah, that was one of the coolest hikes of my life. And I definitely want to do it again. WHO'S WITH ME?